Geez I don’t know, maybe it’s because tobacco is wildly more toxic and carcinogenic. Maybe it’s because tobacco causes hundreds of thousands of deaths every year. Or perhaps it’s because tobacco is loaded with thousands of equally as toxic additives. Just spit balling here.
Notably, this didn’t happen to me yesterday. I saw my reflection for a moment in a window while at work and was surprised to see myself. The person I am inside my head never had a face; the image I saw in the mirror was like a mask I’d always been wearing and couldnt take off.
I don’t know why it happened exactly when it did, I’ve been transitioning for over a year now, but it’s really fucking satisfying to finally take the “mask” off and see myself.
It’s honestly similar to how it felt when I changed my name. Like this barrier between my ‘self’ and the physical world being torn down. Like taking a full breath for the first time.
Dysphoria is real and it sucks, and I wish that nobody had to experience it. What made the biggest difference for me, even before I could socially or medically transition, was just finally allowing me to address my own self as a boy, just in my own thoughts or in writing or art. That was the hardest thing for me, but also the most freeing.
I dunno where I’m going with this, just rambling at this point. But just in case it needs to be said, you are real and fucking resilient, you matter, and you’re not alone. ♡
I’m glad you feel like rambling. I’m glad you are moving towards a better place in life. Let’s hope it keeps going in this direction for the rest of your life. 🙂
And I am sitting here, in my rental flat in Germany and wish I had an American sliding window with an A/C-Unit built into it. Those are not a thing with those German windows :'(
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