Sombyr, 1 year ago

Bad.

My wife and I broke up several days ago. We were never legally married, and I suppose that makes it a lot easier, but still not easy.
We both had severe emotional control issues, for different reasons. I tried countless meds to help, and keep myself, and us, together. Tried therapy. But in the end, more often than not, there was no voice of reason in our relationship. We could reach points where we’d go a month or so without fighting, but it’d always happen again some day.
Finally, at a time where we were both calm and unemotional, we came to the decision that we needed to work on ourselves separately. When the consequences of our mental illness were not just hurting ourselves, but each other, it was just too hard to cope with.
We’re still friends. We’re still supporting each other, but I feel like I’ve lost the best thing I’ve ever had in my life and it’s my fault. I’m happy that she no longer has to feel chained down by my angry outbursts, my constant panic attacks, and wondering every day if I’m still going to be with her tomorrow, but I wish none of those things existed in the first place, so we could be happy together.

On top of all this, the catalyst for making this decision in the first place was that there was a new guy, who was very interested in me. When he found out I was already taken, he tried to back off, but… I guess now my ex-wife encouraged him to keep going. We’d been open to the idea of polyamory from the beginning of our relationship, so that’s how we were hoping it would go. Unfortunately, it turned out he couldn’t be comfortable with polyamory, and wanted an exclusive relationship.
And that’s when we suddenly realized that there was a choice. I could try to stay with her, hoping one day things would get better, or find a new relationship and hope it doesn’t end the same way. We realized quickly that the second was the only healthy option, even if we really, really didn’t want that.

And now, several days later, this new guy is already telling me he’s in love with me. He said it was love at first sight for him. I told him I’m going to need a long time before I can even consider anybody else romantically, and he’s told me he’s willing to wait however long it takes, but the concept scares me.
My last relationship ended largely because of emotional and psychological problems that feel insurmountable. I’m terrified if this goes anywhere that I’m going to screw it up the exact same way.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve checked up on my ex a few times, and it feels like she’s handling this better than I am. At the very least, she’ll survive, and that makes me happy. I was friends with her for a long time before we even started dating, and I’m just really hoping I can learn to see her that way again. But this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with emotionally and I don’t feel like I’ll survive, even if I know consciously that I will get through it.