frog, 1 year ago

A very wise person once said “the only way to win is to deny the battle”. This advice is working well for me this week. The guy at university that I have developed a strong aversion to keeps trying to talk to me, and I have been ignoring him. If you’re reading this and feeling inclined to call this mean, this situation has arisen because he repeatedly refused to respect my boundaries (and I genuinely cannot express them more explicitly than the literal words “do not touch my laptop”), repeatedly started arguments because he can’t accept his opinions are not facts, and repeatedly obstructed our group project to the point that I ended up doing every single task that was assigned to him, because he either didn’t do it, only did half of it, or did it so badly that it was unusable by the rest of the team. He is quite capable of talking non-stop for 8 hours without even pausing for breath, including talking through lectures, talking over other people, and talking while others are trying to concentrate on their work. He does not think the word “no” should ever apply to him. He has broken my belongings, lied about it, and when confronted about it, neither apologised nor offered to pay for them.

I’ve been getting some pushback on my decision to start pretending he does not exist, because he’s neurodiverse (autism+ADHD+oppositional defiance disorder) and we have to “be kind to him”. I’ve really struggled with this, because I normally have no difficulty getting on with neurodiverse people and I have genuinely tried my best to be understanding with this guy. My default approach to interactions with anyone is to be(e) nice. But that has to be a two-way street. Having had my very reasonable boundaries trampled over multiple times, with all the evidence being that he misses the unspoken social cues, isn’t listening when asked politely, and argues about why “no” should mean “yes” when asked grumpily, my conclusion is that my own self-preservation has to take priority now.

By refusing to engage with him, he has no opportunities to ignore my boundaries (except for his continued attempts to keep talking to me) and he has no opportunities to start arguments. He can’t do any of his usual shit if I completely blank him when he speaks. This is the most control I’ve had over my interactions with him in four months, and it’s the least stressed and suicidal I’ve felt in two months. I would also, perhaps, argue that this is the best way I can “be kind to him”, because the one thing that will consistently make me lose my temper is when someone keeps pushing me even after I’ve told them “no”. Refusing to give him the opportunity to keep pushing me is a kindness to both of us.