I had a six-month-long marriage. My ex-wife was not a nice person and everyone else could see it almost immediately, but I was swept away by how determined to be with me she was. It felt so good to have a woman who was attractive, successful, and very, very interested in me. Too good to be true, as it turned out. I’m not sure exactly what was wrong with her - something like borderline personality disorder? Once I committed to her, she became very jealous and would go from sweet to angry frequently and with no provocation. Although she only ever yelled at me, I was scared of her.
I’ve made mistakes in my life that were good for me because they were learning experiences. My marriage wasn’t one of them - I wish that it had never happened. However, I did still learn from it:
Don’t look down so much on people who make obvious, foolish mistakes. You might end up as one of them. I didn’t think I was the kind of person who would ever get divorced but here I am…
Admitting that you made a big mistake feels terrible, but the real problem is the big mistake, not the admission of it. I was a fool to be married for just six months, but I would have been a bigger fool if I stayed in that marriage longer than that. I’m still ashamed that I married my ex, but I’m proud that I had the courage to leave.
Time does heal wounds. All my hopes and dreams about the future with her were garbage, my judgement was no better than that of a daytime talk-show guest, and my humiliation was known to every single person who was important to me, since they were all at my wedding. Then years passed, and while I still haven’t spoken to some more distant relatives simply because I don’t want to explain that I’m not with my ex-wife any more, I have in fact moved on with my life.
I’ve been a software engineer for the last 17 years, with the last 11 years having been in management. The further people get in their career the easier it is to forget to stay humble. You can’t always be the smartest person in the room. It’s statistically unlikely. One of my favorite books I’ve read is “The Secret: What Great Leaders Know and Do” (not to be confused with “The Secret”). The book covers how you can stay humble in your career, reinvent yourself, value the contributions of others, etc. The fact is that even if you end up in a leadership position, you won’t necessarily be the smartest person in the room. Even if you made a great decision for the team years ago, that may not hold up now. Be open to the fact that you’re wrong. Be open to change. If you can’t do that then you’re going to end up set aside as a dinosaur. Adapt. If you don’t then you’ll be left behind. And be kind, because you never know who you’ll work with again. Being smart isn’t carte blanche to be an asshole to anyone who isn’t as smart as you. You’ll likely need them at some point if you stick around long enough.
Yep, all the time and good things always come after.
My father told me many many years ago that I always had to learn lessons the hard way. What he meant was that I have to make the mistake to learn from it, and I thought it was profound.
Took a long time for me to learn that’s what life is. You try, fail, and try again. You learn from it and succeed, and in the end does it really count as a failure? All the good things in my life have come out of all the bad.
I’ve told a few stories before, but really what it comes down to is: Yes, all the time.
And every time, I eventually bounced back stronger. Not only that, I bounced back less afraid of failure. As long as you learn something from failing, it’s just a stepping stone to something better.
Sure, we fail.all the time. While I haven’t been fired, I’ve been laid off twice, I’ve quit places, I’ve caused fires that gave me debts, I’ve realized I grew up in a cult and probably harmed people while doing so.
I’m going to paraphrase a book series I enjoy:
What is the most Important step a man must take? The next step. No matter how bad it gets, taking the next step is the most important.
Failed college when I was around 18 or so. I wallowed for a bit, but eventually I developed a really strong drive to learn. I may have been dumb, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t be smarter if I tried.
Long story short, I joined the Navy to go back to school to get my degree and now I have a fantastic job that’s beyond easy.
But that drive to learn new stuff cannot by quenched now. I want to learn everything!
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