My belief is yes and no. Like many biological things it’s both nurture and nature.
Many people think that the way they act is their “personality”, when it seems more accurate that they have feelings/urges/likes/dislikes that manifest in a certain way and don’t know any other way to act.
And because they might not have known a “them” where they were able to channel those urges in another direction (because they’re young, or never tried, or have never seen an example at home to follow because their family is shitty or out of control) they think that manifestation IS their personality and is completely out of their control. Which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, because if you think something can never change you won’t even try, and then it CERTAINLY won’t change.
Changing how your own urges manifest is within your power. It’s not always easy, but it is within your power. (Mental illnesses do make it harder, as mental illness often messes with things like emotional control or executive function, both of which are helpful to have when changing how you react to things. But I have known people with mental illnesses who made an effort to try, and those who did not, and even then there’s a difference when it comes to actually “trying”, and even with mental illness those who try and learn and grow get further than those who do not…although it does not magically “cure” the illness.)
Basically, it’s possible to skill up when it comes to self-awareness, emotional control, and even understanding what is and isn’t a threat, and all those things change how various aspects of your personality manifest in the real world.
But, beneath that, there are “the big five” personality traits that seem “real” to the extent that science pursuing investigation into them. Those are:
<span style="color:#323232;">* Openness to experience (includes aspects such as intellectual curiosity and creative imagination)
</span><span style="color:#323232;">* Conscientiousness (organization, productiveness, responsibility)
</span><span style="color:#323232;">* Extroversion (sociability, assertiveness; its opposite is Introversion)
</span><span style="color:#323232;">* Agreeableness (compassion, respectfulness, trust in others)
</span><span style="color:#323232;">* Neuroticism (tendencies toward anxiety and depression)
</span>
People who are interested in and have the drive towards self-improvement can gain and practice skills that help them redirect behavior and urges within themselves that they don’t like. For example, maybe someone who gets angry really easily starts to recognize when they’re feeling like that, and instead of shouting at others and ruining relationships, they go out running and get some exercise. Or, the reverse–someone who never stands up for themselves learns to.
I don’t think it’ll eradicate some tendency towards certain personality traits–but it can bring them under control so you stop holding yourself back due to it.
I have a friend, and he and I have made opposite journeys when it comes to anger. He’s had to learn how to channel it back, tone it down. I’ve had to learn that my anger is “okay” to express sometimes. We were opposite ends of the spectrum and have each made progress more towards the center. We still default back to what seems our “inborn personality”, but we also have a lot of times when we act different ways because we’ve chosen to and have better control over ourselves. And when you do that all the time? Well, it’s a pattern, and it’s “you” just as much as anything is.
I’m generally soft-spoken IRL, and quiet, and a loner. But I’m also a writer, and because I wanted to progress in that Craft, I learned to write and “speak” with authority, because a writer who quivers and wrings their hands every other sentence and seems to lack confidence isn’t going to be interesting or compelling to read.
This is not a natural talent of mine–but I worked on it. And I worked. And I worked. And I did eventually gain skill in “sounding” confident in myself–to the extent it sometimes causes trouble because people expect one thing when they’ve read my writing, but get someone who is much quieter and much less talkative in person. Obviously, I have not put the same work into my in-person speech, and have not worked on dispelling my wallflower status there, but having seen how things turned around for me in writing because I kept trying, I imagine I could turn it around in person if I wanted to.
…IF I wanted to.
“Wanting” to change is probably the biggest thing when it comes to self-improvement. If you don’t like who you are and want to change it, it’s really important to cultivate that desire, because that DESIRE to change is the thing that keeps you going through the hard, frustrating parts of changing and gaining skills in self-understanding and self-control.
I just kept critiquing myself after a negative interaction and trying to figure out why I got angry or frustrated.
This bit really is key.
Some of our emotions are legit. Sometimes someone really did try to screw you over or something. But a lot of times…our feelings are based on assumptions that aren’t true, and when you pick at the emotion a bit you start to realize you assumed the wrong thing, or didn’t consider something else.
So it’s important to critique yourself, and think about what happened, and try to dig down into the true root of the situation, separate truth from fact.
I grew up in an abusive home and generally am laid-back so it’s hard to get me angry. I had to learn that in my case, the anger I felt actually was valid and not just something I was blowing out of proportion–most people who talk a lot about anger are approaching from the other angle, and have to learn the opposite, that not everything is worth getting angry about.
But both of us, regardless of our “natural starting point”, have to learn how to think about stuff that happened, and ask questions, and try to figure out what happened and why.
You know, a “randomize me” choice that was fair (that is to say, not obviously offloading the worst stuff or stinting on portions or giving you the same “random” thing every time) is something I might actually use for meals if I could.
There’s this tea place online I buy tea from, what-cha.com , and they have a “mystery” tea section that’s really awesome for trying out new stuff. And the reason it works is because the “mystery teas” are still decent quality.
But I imagine fast food places don’t implement this because some jerk would harass the workers over it.
Is it actually possible to change your personality
This isn’t meant to be a negative post. I wanted to tweak how I handle some things and have gotten better but I it made me think....
"Heavy is the Burger" by Extra Fabulous Comics (lemmy.world)
www.extrafabulouscomics.com