Just as a general PSA for anyone reading this. This is known as passive suicidal ideation. It’s a massive red flag that something is not right and you should reach out to a mental health practitioner or at least have a heartfelt talk with someone close you trust about your struggles. Reach out to any support network you have, because it’s the start of the slippery slope to suicidal thoughts if left unattended.
It's why I'm still around (startrek.website)