What are your experiences with polyamory, first or second hand?

I personally am in a phenomenally stable polyamorous relationship. I’ve been married to my wife for 12 years, and she has had the same boyfriend for about half of that time. It’s a really fulfilling arrangement for all of us in various ways. We’re all genuinely happy and satisfied. I’m kind of casually looking for a boyfriend of my own.

But I feel like I only hear negative stories about other poly experiences. It’s always unstable people and situations. It’s always two out of three people happy at most. Surely there are other success stories out there, and I just hear the disasters because they’re more memorable and fun to tell. Does anyone else have or know a polyamory success story?

EDIT: This blew up a little while I was asleep. I promise I’m at least reading every comment.

EDIT 2.0: ngl I did not expect the trope of polyamory to fix a struggling relationship would be so real. We did just the opposite and are both baffled. Don’t use volitility to fight the volitility.

A_Random_Idiot,

I’ve had a couple Poly experiences.

None of them are particularly happy memories, but it has nothing to do with Poly itself and everything to do with the fact that the only women that are attracted to me, or that are even interested in talking to me, seem to be abusers with a plethora of mental illness issues.

ShroOmeric,

Personally I’ve only heard of very sad stories. Two out of three at best as you said, when not even one out of three. Of course, statistically it must work for someone. Call yourself lucky. :)

shinigamiookamiryuu,

Not much. I’m what many might call a relationship anarchist and this can translate into polyamory, especially when QPR’s are a part of the equation (same with my closest friends but in a more meta way), but I’m not in any and never have been. I was offered the chance though because a classmate in middle and high school began aspiring to a polygamist relationship (LGBT relationships were already a thing and I guess my class got ideas) and managed to appeal to a bunch of other classmates. The core classmate of the relationship then had to move though (the family’s mom got a job somewhere else) and that created a weird sense of withdrawal among the participants.

Jaderick,

I tried (long distance) dating a poly dude in a situation where he had a long term live-in boyfriend and got me and a trans girl to start dating him around the same time. He wanted a polycule to work out and it seemed plausible-ish for a few months, but the communication was atrocious. Everyone liked the central poly dude and I tried getting along with the other two, but it was clear they were just interested in the main dude. Turned into a mega jealousy situation between all of us which blew up horribly and spectacularly.

In a good monogamous relationship now, but I wouldn’t even try a poly thing again. It requires a lot of communication, moving parts, and if someone is slightly less than truthful it’s probably doomed to fail lol.

IonAddis,
@IonAddis@lemmy.world avatar

I know of two couples that dabble in it to some extent. One as far as I know is unicorn-hunting, because their rules for it suggest a 3rd member genuinely capturing someone’s heart would lead to relationship implosion of epic proportions, and I suspect that couple isn’t mature or stable enough to be doing what they’re doing without leaving people open for hurt. Not that I have any say in it, lol. But I feel sorry for any thirds that interact with them thinking there’s even a chance of them being an equal partner.

The other couple has much better communication skills, and claim they’re poly, but as far as I can tell from the outside “poly” has happened as an attempt to save the marriage. Maybe they’ll make it work, but I’ve watched them make some dumb mistakes, and the wife has jealous behaviors when women interact with the husband and a history of bending to his needs before her own so I think even if she says they’re poly she might have talked herself into it as a way to attend to him.

I think healthy poly is possible–but it requires extremely mature individuals with exceptional communication skills, and that’s rare even in monogamous couples.

FinallyDebunked,
@FinallyDebunked@slrpnk.net avatar

you’re delusional

LegionEris,

With those two words polyamory, a practice as old as humanity and in every corner of the world, has been… FINALLY DEBUNKED! I can’t believe I was here for the destruction of a lifestyle!

FinallyDebunked, (edited )
@FinallyDebunked@slrpnk.net avatar

It always fascinates me how eagerly people grasp at the most absurd ideas, if it allows them to evade unpleasant reality

LegionEris, (edited )

it always fascinates me how eagerly no life losers seek and lash out at people, if it allows them to feel better about themselves

FinallyDebunked,
@FinallyDebunked@slrpnk.net avatar

oh you got offended i see

LegionEris,

No I just thought it was funny that you actually came back. Mimicking your formatting was a bit of a joke, see. Watch, I’ll do it again!

oh you got no punctuation i see

erranto,

Genuine question. Shouldn’t there be love between you and her boyfriend for it to be polyamory ? otherwise isn’t it just polygamy ?

IWantToFuckSpez, (edited )

Polygamy means being married to multiple people, so no it wouldn’t be called polygamy. Gamos is Greek for marriage.

erranto,

My understanding is that, If one partner is in a relationship with more than one partner it is polygamy

while if all the partners are in a relationship will all the other partners then it is polyamory

I never considered marriage as a prerequisite for polygamy . because many people are polygamous even in states where polygamous marriages are outlawed.

matter,

Then your understanding of these terms is wrong. Polyamory refers to people having multiple relationships (consensually), that’s it.

Astongt615,

So there’s no term distinction between people with multiple separate relationships and those who’s relationships are all mutual/shared?

vagrantprodigy,

There are different terms inside of polyamory, but all of it falls into the polyamory bucket.

matter, (edited )

There is, but they all come under the umbrella of polyamory. There’s lots of sub categories like “parallel” (where someone’s partners don’t have much or any contact with each other), “kitchen table” where they’re not in a relationship but do talk a lot about scheduling etc, might be friends, and then where everyone is in the same relationship or has independent relationships between everyone in a group. But lots of people use lots of different terms for those things.

BananaTrifleViolin,

Polygamy does mean marriages but has been missed because people didn't have better alternative words. "Menage a trois" is another term not needing marriage but has connotations to some of being mostly sexual and also only cover 3 people.

Polyamory as a word wasn't really widely used until the 90s and it's only really become mainstream in the last maybe 10 years?

Polyamory is much more precise and correct than polygamy.for describing relationships outside marriage. Polygamy is also a legal term very specifically related to marriage laws.

snownyte,
@snownyte@kbin.social avatar

I've been in like, 3 or 4 of them so far. I can really see the value in a poly relationship but I find it, that it's incredibly challenging to maintain much less establish one. All of the ones I've been in, was where the individual wanting or orchestrating the poly relationship, was just a flat out cheater who wanted more than they can handle. My limit is no more than 2 other partners. The people I kept finding myself with, practically wanted like several partners too many and it just complicated things.

I'm open to being in a good one but I really don't know nor would I know anything or anyone that'd want a good stable poly relationship.

BananaTrifleViolin,

It sounds like the person you were with would have been better off in an open relationship with someone.rather than labelling it as polyamory or want to pursue polyamory?

I've not been in a ployamerous relationship myself but I'd imagine the hardest part is the time and effort needed to maintain your relationship with each partner?

I could see 2 partners being doable but hard work, but once you go beyond that, then it must get very difficult? Especially if you don't all live together as juggling full time work around making the time and space to maintain very close personal relationships must be very hard.

And my mind boggles when you get to pplyamorpus "networks" where 2 partners may have relationships with other people rather than a shared 3rd partner. I think it would take a lot of honesty and maturity to make that work long term. I don't think I'd be capable of that.

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