What are your experiences with polyamory, first or second hand?

I personally am in a phenomenally stable polyamorous relationship. I’ve been married to my wife for 12 years, and she has had the same boyfriend for about half of that time. It’s a really fulfilling arrangement for all of us in various ways. We’re all genuinely happy and satisfied. I’m kind of casually looking for a boyfriend of my own.

But I feel like I only hear negative stories about other poly experiences. It’s always unstable people and situations. It’s always two out of three people happy at most. Surely there are other success stories out there, and I just hear the disasters because they’re more memorable and fun to tell. Does anyone else have or know a polyamory success story?

EDIT: This blew up a little while I was asleep. I promise I’m at least reading every comment.

EDIT 2.0: ngl I did not expect the trope of polyamory to fix a struggling relationship would be so real. We did just the opposite and are both baffled. Don’t use volitility to fight the volitility.

thezeesystem,

Everyone always going to polyamory because of a bad relationship in there monogamous relationship is why there’s so much bad negativity about it.

It’s just consenting adults who love each other.

Still have the same drama and problems of monogamous relationships. But more problems and less problems, yet slightly different ,The same with anything

I shall say this though. DO NOT ADD ANOTHER PERSON BECAUSE OF YOUR FAILING RELATIONSHIP. it won’t work. Ever.

I would want to add more but it’s so incredibly much my brain can’t process and type that much.

LegionEris,

DO NOT ADD ANOTHER PERSON BECAUSE OF YOUR FAILING RELATIONSHIP

It’s insane to me that this apparently must be said by multiple people with massive emphasis. We only considered this because our relationship was and still is so strong. We just met really young and have a lot of love to give. I don’t want to lose my wife or have had only one great romance in my life. She didn’t want marrying a woman to mean she would never experience men again. So we share the incredible bounty of love in which we live.

____,

I’m a bit older than my wife, but your point rings true - we also met fairly young, and went through some stuff. That’s probably a meaningful part of how and why we are who we are.

Meeting my wife fairly young meant that I got the raw, unfiltered version of her feelings and was able to compare/contrast that with my behavior - and improve it. That led to trust allowing discussion of involving others, and an understanding that neither of us is going anywhere / associated trust.

thezeesystem,

My general rules in a polyamorous relationship. Well guidelines as rules are so just off putting. But as long as it’s consensual equitable and pleasurable for all involved, it’s ok.

____,

While I wouldn’t necessarily go to bed with all of them, there are a number of people who have deeply impacted my life in distinct ways, and from whom I have learned a great deal. Hell, I don’t even like all of them, but that doesn’t mean they’re not a meaningful part of my life.

Agree with your take on adding another person to solve problems - always a terrible idea.

My idea of ‘consenting adults’ has morphed significantly between, say, 21 and… my current age. Even the subsets of ‘consent’ and ‘adult’ have morphed. But at the end of the day, honesty is all that we have.

I adore spending time with my wife - whether we’re ‘doing’ something’ together, or doing individual things we can talk about later.

Poly means never running out of topics of conversation, or ways to understand each other.

‘Why her?’ really means 'Our relationship evolves, as all relationship should, what interest you about her and how can I support you?"

That “how can I support you?” question is critical, and we’ve been married long enough that I never doubt the legitimacy of the question.

southsamurai,
@southsamurai@sh.itjust.works avatar

No real first hand experience. I kinda interacted with people that were /are poly, but wasn’t part of their group.

But the thing I noticed about poly groups regarding the kind of stability that would be a success in any objective view, is that there’s usually a core few that comprise the true group, with anyone else being kinda replaceable. It’s usually either a “throuple”, or two pairs, and those core relationships are what really matters when there’s any trouble.

Imo, that makes sense. In a real world sense, nobody loves everyone equally. It might get close, but we as a species just aren’t that controlled in our emotions. They’re shifting and tied to so many different memories that it’s barley possible to have comparable levels of love, much less exactly the same.

And, there’s the issue of numbers and work. If a couple has X amount of work to maintain, a third person doesn’t turn that into X+1, it turns it into X^3, because you have A×B, the first two, then you have A×C, B×C, and, A×B×C. The dynamics of each pair of individuals is the same, but you add the dynamics of the group to that. Add a 4th person, and you get X^4, and so on. So, the larger the group gets, the harder it is to actually maintain every relationship at all, much less equally.

But! I know two poly groups that have been stable for a long time. One since the mid nineties, the other since 2003 (officially, but they got together informally a few years before that). The older group stabilized out at five people back around 98, when a couple that had joined in decided it wasn’t working for them.

The other group is essentially a foursome, though they tend to rotate through twosomes over time. Like, one couple spends a few months more focused on each other, then the other two people either do the same or float a little as individuals without as much group interaction. But they’re all bisexual as well as poly, so there’s that helping out a little; everyone is into everyone romantically and sexually, so there’s less chance of someone feeling left out.

Both groups have kids, btw. Which can get a little tough on the kids in school, but damned if it isn’t a plus at home. Like, those kids never lack for someone to help them, give them affection or discipline, or anything. The oldest boy from the longer lasting group is out on his own now, and doing well for himself.

The only other poly group I know well enough to have picked up details about their arrangements went back a lot further, back into the sixties when they met. Which is a success, if you ask me, but there’s only the one lady left now, and that’s fucking brutal to lose three partners that you love like that. I don’t know if it’s any worse than losing a monogamous partner or not, but holy hell has she been through some pain over the last two decades.

I call them a success though. They went through fourty-plus years together, raised kids, lived life, and stuck together. I didn’t meet any of them until one of the guys had a stroke, back before I got hit with the disability stick and had to quit working. I was a CNA, and when he had the next stroke, they asked if I could come back, so I got to know them a good bit. But they’d lost one of their group between times to cancer.

For myself, I don’t think I could handle that part. I know that if my wife dies before me, it’s going to break me. I can’t imagine going through that two or three (or more) times.

Which is probably not the most pleasant way to end this comment, being a bit less happy than maybe you were wanting. But I figure if one group of people can live poly together long enough for that, then polyamory is nothing to dismiss, and it’s certainly proof that it can be satisfying and good.

Son_of_dad, (edited )

Wife and I have always been open to the idea, tried it a few times, all positive experiences, even the challenging ones. We dated this single female friend together for a while, we’ve gone to sex clubs (there’s a great, super positive one in my city). I feel like it’s made us more honest and open with each other.

If I could recommend a book, “The ethical slut” There’s good tips and info in there, I liked it, though it’s a bit old. “More than two” is newer and great as well

KepBen,

My wife and I talked about it a lot before deciding we were both cool with the other having safe and responsible adventures. In over a decade it has never caused us any grief. Communication is essential and if your relationship isn’t “stable” IMO it suggests a real communication problem - adding unrelated complications to the dynamic will never solve those.

vagrantprodigy, (edited )

My wife and I are poly. Neither of us have found a long term person yet (Wife isn’t really looking because she is graysexual and doesn’t really want any additional deep emotional connections), but we’ve met a few great people who probably could have worked but for one or two incompatibilities. I’ve seen enough over the past two years to see that it definitely can work.

LegionEris,

Wife isn’t really looking because she is graysexual and doesn’t really want any additional deep emotional connections

This kinda describes my wife’s boyfriend’s wife. (That was just fun to type out) Basically, because of the place and way she was raised, she didn’t understand that she was ace until she had two kids, and her sex life continued to exist. She was/is more or less done with that part of her life. She has two kids and a husband and a home, and that’s why she was having sex to begin with. As long as she has those things, she doesn’t care that her husband does things she does not enjoy with some other women. She’s happy with the way her life is. Plz don’t make her add sex back into the equation.

vagrantprodigy,

Poly was actually my wife’s idea for many of the reasons you list above. It’s not just sex though, my wife is also not a touchy feely person, and I am, as she calls me, a cuddle monster. Thankfully we are good at communicating and deeply love each other, and so were able to navigate all of this without arguing, yelling, etc…

intensely_human,

I was involved in a nonconsensual, clandestine polyamorous relationship once. It sucked, broke my fucking heart.

BaronVonBort,

That’s not polyamory, friend. That’s called cheating.

LegionEris,

It didn’t involve the assistant manager of a cheap motel, did it? I guess if you were the person I know who had that experience, you’d probably recognize my name and story.

intensely_human,

As far as I’m aware in included a fitness instructor and a mechanical engineer. There may have been a motel manager in there somewhere that I just never learned about.

gaiussabinus,

All of my experiences are from the outside looking in.

  1. was super destructive with a single domineering individual that led to a divorce and a suicide.
  2. was fantasy fulfillment and led to a great deal of strife.
  3. was kinda positive in that it lasted until the one partner passed and the relationship sorta dissolved. Which is sad but understandable.

So outside of highschool i have seen 3 kicks at the can with only one “success”. The failed relationships did so in spectacular fashion which is why i know far more about them due to their violence.

____,

Married 13 yrs as of the end of October. We’ve played with others, and have standing permission to “get things going,” but I find the wedding ring to (understandably) be a turnoff. My personal preferences mean that it’s difficult to meet people I’m interested in and who are likely to believe any reasonable explanation for ‘even though I’m wearing a ring, we are all on the same page.’

It is by definition much easier for my wife / both of us, to find a man who is both interested and dealing in good faith than for me to approach a woman successfully.

I don’t harbor any jealousy or concern with regards to my wife, she simply has an easier time with it. One can blame that on the lies that cheating men have told over many centuries, I’m sure.

I’ve encountered a number of women in whom I’d be interested, but… I refuse to take my ring off just to have a chance at meeting someone. Not just because “reasons” and “ethics,” but also because I know for a fact that up-front disclosure is the better path.

“No, I wasn’t wearing a ring when I met you, but I’m married,” is not the way to start off a poly relationship from where I sit. It is, however, an excellent way to scare off the folks who are open to the same.

Neither of us is looking for threesomes per se, and neither of us is willing to dissemble and then later ask forgiveness of the third party.

Haven’t posted all that much on the topic, so… Fuckit. We’ve been married for almost fifteen years. We found a play partner around the five-year mark. That lasted as long as it lasted, and was a great deal of fun - both in person and via internet, subject to collective needs. That person could have handled things better, and I could have handled their less than ideal behavior better. I own my part, there. It wasn’t intended to be long term, and that’s fine - it introduced us to both the lifestyle and the risks, and I am cognizant of what I did right and what I did wrong at the tine.

We’re in a more liberal town than where we spent much of our marriage, but it’s still tough to meet people. Some of that is due to my WFH arrangement, as I don’t get out as much as ‘normal’ folks, but I would absolutely not sleep with someone I worked with anyway - I’m a professional, it has the potential to get really ugly, and could very well ruin my reputation.

Dating sites have proven unhelpful, though much of that was while living in “Kettlecorn, KS” where my wife grew up. Trying to do this in the midwest is ‘hard mode’ to say the least.

I’m not even looking for women a fraction of my age (and I’m not that damn old to begin with), but any introduction brings with it the risk of judgement / ‘If you weren’t married…’

I consider it a damn shame that consensual poly is not more mainstream - people will meet people, and have chemistry, and have sex as a result. Advance consent, in whatever form the couple finds appropriate, prevents literally all of the unpleasantness, feelings of betrayal, etc.

Not an expert at this stuff, but also fairly sure my experience is not incredibly outside the norm.

ArmoredThirteen,

So maybe not exactly a success story but I wouldn’t call it a disaster either. I don’t view my current experience to be negative even if it is extremely difficult for me.

I’m poly, technically have been most my life but most my relationships have been functionally mono until 3 or 4 years ago. I’m in a hard place right now, 6 months ago my polycule split, two months ago my anchor partner very suddenly broke up with me, my nesting partner of over 10 years has stopped physically interacting with me.

I thought I was insulated from heartbreak because I could fallback on other partners while I get back on my feet, and I did actually do that a couple times with non core partner breakups. Apparently the opposite can happen where all your partners drop away in rapid succession and you have to deal losing all the people who would have supported you.

I’m happy I’m poly. It is difficult but so is being mono in different ways. The love I had when the polycule was functioning I can’t describe that to people who haven’t had it before. I had a great run of about 3 years of memories I’m going to hold very dearly. I’ll rebuild my relationships with new people and everything I’ve learned here will make things better for me in the future.

FlyingSquid,
@FlyingSquid@lemmy.world avatar

I knew two groups of polys. One was a success story and did very well with a big family full of kids. The other one broke up when it was clear two of them cared more about each other than a third. So I’m guessing it’s like every type of relationship- sometimes it works out well, sometimes it’s a disaster.

Rakqoi,

I’m polyamorous myself, with a girlfriend of about 18 months and another of nearly a year. Both my relationships are stable and very fulfilling, and also relaxed and laid-back. It takes more communication to have it work but for me I can’t even imagine living any other way, polyamory feels right for me and me and my partners are happier than we’ve ever been.

Granted, my relationships aren’t a case of opening an existing partnership, but rather I talked about the fact that I’m polyamorous to each partner very early on before we even considered a relationship. Most drama I’ve seen in polyamory comes from one partner in a monogamous pair wanting “more” and so the decision is pretty one sided, and neither is willing to really put in the work and communication that healthy polyamory requires. Every polyamorous person I know that started their relationships as polyamorous is healthy and happy in their partnerships.

LegionEris,

We opened up an existing relationship, but it was more my idea for her to have a boyfriend. I knew she romanticized affairs and infidelity. I knew that her experience of being with a man romantically and physically is meaningfully different from how we are together. And I’ve just never been that sort of possessive, so I encouraged her to seek out something I couldn’t give her

Rakqoi,

I’m really happy it’s working out for you! I’m not saying that all existing partnerships opening to polyamory are doomed to fail or are inferior in any way, just that from what I’ve seen they’re much harder to pull off, possibly because people tend to open relationships for the wrong reasons. But when it does work out and everyone involved is entirely on board and is willing to put in the work, they can absolutely be beautiful and healthy relationships.

tron,

deleted_by_author

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    healer_56,

    OP specifically asks for a success story and you post this ? why ?

    tron,

    deleted_by_author

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    LegionEris,

    I upvoted you. I asked for experiences. I was hoping for success stories, but I came into this understanding that most people don’t have them. If literally nobody on Lemmy but me had a good polyamory story, that would be valid and wouldn’t discourage me.

    frogfruit,

    I have a family member in a throuple. They dated their partner for a few years before dating someone together, who later attended their wedding. They’ve been a throuple for about 8 years now and all seem pretty happy.

    CaptPretentious,

    I worked with a married couple many years back. Then they had a kid. So they split their shifts since daycare costs to damn much for 2 Perkins cooks. So they very little of each other. So they went to an open relationship model because “needs”. One of the male managers known for hitting in and fucking all waitresses (because he controlled their schedule…) took the opportunity to start plowing her too. The husband… Thought he had game and thought he could get someone at work. He couldn’t. So that had to be a fun dynamic. The husband and wife’s manager working side by side with both of them and the manager was having a baby with one of his other conquests that also work there. Their marriage quickly fell apart and people’s opinion of her and the manager and the husband took a leap off a cliff. Before all of that they were a very happy couple and great friends to be with. Afterwards they were all insufferable and the child pays for all this.

    Knew another couple, married, with for kids. They moved to a open relationship model… Probably for plethora of reasons, Part of me believes that she misses her early twenties party girl that she used to be. Turns out being in mid-30s and having four kids and being married really limits the type of guys that you get. Her former husband moved on with life. And she now has a fifth kid with someone that was a temp boyfriend.

    DingusKhan,

    It caused way too much drama.

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