What are your experiences with polyamory, first or second hand?

I personally am in a phenomenally stable polyamorous relationship. I’ve been married to my wife for 12 years, and she has had the same boyfriend for about half of that time. It’s a really fulfilling arrangement for all of us in various ways. We’re all genuinely happy and satisfied. I’m kind of casually looking for a boyfriend of my own.

But I feel like I only hear negative stories about other poly experiences. It’s always unstable people and situations. It’s always two out of three people happy at most. Surely there are other success stories out there, and I just hear the disasters because they’re more memorable and fun to tell. Does anyone else have or know a polyamory success story?

EDIT: This blew up a little while I was asleep. I promise I’m at least reading every comment.

EDIT 2.0: ngl I did not expect the trope of polyamory to fix a struggling relationship would be so real. We did just the opposite and are both baffled. Don’t use volitility to fight the volitility.

controlshiftn,

God, this thread is a breath of fresh air. Every time the topic came up on reddit, you had the same core of bitter whiny losers reciting the same archetype of the rejected and resentful guy stuck at home while his GF was out ‘cheating’ on him, and insisting that this was the reality in every single case.

LegionEris,

Omg yes. This is the primary discussion of polyamory, and it drives me crazy. None of that common description looks like my life.

lemann,

I’m mono myself, but it’s nice to read various experiences here of poly relationships.

I personally think i’m too selfish to survive in a poly environment though, and also I’m not really that interesting of a person in general - preferring time alone mostly.

Poly requires a ton of trust and communication, so for me it would fall down quickly with the wrong kind of partner(s)… especially as it takes me a while to trust others

LegionEris,

I actually consider myself a selfish person. But I experience huge amounts of compersion. It makes me so happy when good things happen to the people I care about. It’s selfish of me to want more than one partner and to revel in my wife’s other relationship. But I’ll be damned if senseless or traditional moralizing is going to stop me from being or making people happy.

erranto,

Genuine question. Shouldn’t there be love between you and her boyfriend for it to be polyamory ? otherwise isn’t it just polygamy ?

IWantToFuckSpez, (edited )

Polygamy means being married to multiple people, so no it wouldn’t be called polygamy. Gamos is Greek for marriage.

erranto,

My understanding is that, If one partner is in a relationship with more than one partner it is polygamy

while if all the partners are in a relationship will all the other partners then it is polyamory

I never considered marriage as a prerequisite for polygamy . because many people are polygamous even in states where polygamous marriages are outlawed.

matter,

Then your understanding of these terms is wrong. Polyamory refers to people having multiple relationships (consensually), that’s it.

Astongt615,

So there’s no term distinction between people with multiple separate relationships and those who’s relationships are all mutual/shared?

vagrantprodigy,

There are different terms inside of polyamory, but all of it falls into the polyamory bucket.

matter, (edited )

There is, but they all come under the umbrella of polyamory. There’s lots of sub categories like “parallel” (where someone’s partners don’t have much or any contact with each other), “kitchen table” where they’re not in a relationship but do talk a lot about scheduling etc, might be friends, and then where everyone is in the same relationship or has independent relationships between everyone in a group. But lots of people use lots of different terms for those things.

BananaTrifleViolin,

Polygamy does mean marriages but has been missed because people didn't have better alternative words. "Menage a trois" is another term not needing marriage but has connotations to some of being mostly sexual and also only cover 3 people.

Polyamory as a word wasn't really widely used until the 90s and it's only really become mainstream in the last maybe 10 years?

Polyamory is much more precise and correct than polygamy.for describing relationships outside marriage. Polygamy is also a legal term very specifically related to marriage laws.

FinallyDebunked,
@FinallyDebunked@slrpnk.net avatar

you’re delusional

LegionEris,

With those two words polyamory, a practice as old as humanity and in every corner of the world, has been… FINALLY DEBUNKED! I can’t believe I was here for the destruction of a lifestyle!

FinallyDebunked, (edited )
@FinallyDebunked@slrpnk.net avatar

It always fascinates me how eagerly people grasp at the most absurd ideas, if it allows them to evade unpleasant reality

LegionEris, (edited )

it always fascinates me how eagerly no life losers seek and lash out at people, if it allows them to feel better about themselves

FinallyDebunked,
@FinallyDebunked@slrpnk.net avatar

oh you got offended i see

LegionEris,

No I just thought it was funny that you actually came back. Mimicking your formatting was a bit of a joke, see. Watch, I’ll do it again!

oh you got no punctuation i see

NinjaFox,

I’m poly, in a closed triad. Basically I live with my two partners and we are all dating eachother. Honestly, it just kinda works. Not much different than “traditional” relationships apart from the fact that even the biggest standard beds barely fit all 3 of us lol

ArmoredThirteen,

So maybe not exactly a success story but I wouldn’t call it a disaster either. I don’t view my current experience to be negative even if it is extremely difficult for me.

I’m poly, technically have been most my life but most my relationships have been functionally mono until 3 or 4 years ago. I’m in a hard place right now, 6 months ago my polycule split, two months ago my anchor partner very suddenly broke up with me, my nesting partner of over 10 years has stopped physically interacting with me.

I thought I was insulated from heartbreak because I could fallback on other partners while I get back on my feet, and I did actually do that a couple times with non core partner breakups. Apparently the opposite can happen where all your partners drop away in rapid succession and you have to deal losing all the people who would have supported you.

I’m happy I’m poly. It is difficult but so is being mono in different ways. The love I had when the polycule was functioning I can’t describe that to people who haven’t had it before. I had a great run of about 3 years of memories I’m going to hold very dearly. I’ll rebuild my relationships with new people and everything I’ve learned here will make things better for me in the future.

FlyingSquid,
@FlyingSquid@lemmy.world avatar

I knew two groups of polys. One was a success story and did very well with a big family full of kids. The other one broke up when it was clear two of them cared more about each other than a third. So I’m guessing it’s like every type of relationship- sometimes it works out well, sometimes it’s a disaster.

tron,

deleted_by_author

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    healer_56,

    OP specifically asks for a success story and you post this ? why ?

    tron,

    deleted_by_author

    •
    LegionEris,

    I upvoted you. I asked for experiences. I was hoping for success stories, but I came into this understanding that most people don’t have them. If literally nobody on Lemmy but me had a good polyamory story, that would be valid and wouldn’t discourage me.

    A_Random_Idiot,

    I’ve had a couple Poly experiences.

    None of them are particularly happy memories, but it has nothing to do with Poly itself and everything to do with the fact that the only women that are attracted to me, or that are even interested in talking to me, seem to be abusers with a plethora of mental illness issues.

    captainlezbian,

    I’ve been with my wife and girlfriend for about 4.5 years. Gf has been married for longer.

    Polyamory attracts trainwrecks and hands them a ton of rope which they promptly hang themselves with. We hear about them a lot because they’re loudly collapsing all the time.

    We don’t hear about our types because what are we going to do, loudly announce stable long term relationships? Because I am judged as one of those people or a slut or a player or something I’m hesitant to loudly profess my polyamory. My coworkers don’t know that one day a week I don’t go to my regular home when I leave but to my girlfriend’s home where I hang out with her and her kids (whom I’ve been a stable adult fixture in their lives for years) until her husband wakes up for work when I either take her out to dinner, or get some alone time as he watches the kids, or he’s just there hanging out with us, then rather than it being an absolute fuckfest, we either have “I have work in the morning” sex, curl up watching tv, chat alone, or increasingly often chat with her kids because they’ve been needing more attention lately before going to bed. Then the next day I go to work from there. And they also don’t know that that evening my wife is glad that I was there because it’s good for me and she needs some alone time on a regular basis because while she loves me very much I’m a high energy extrovert and she’s a low energy introvert.

    Hell my family is uncomfortable with my polyamory except my sister. They can accept that I’m gay and love my wife, but they don’t talk about my girlfriend and are clearly uncomfortable when I talk about her. So I shy away from it. And I don’t go to poly events because they’re full of train wrecks. I don’t filter through partners. I’ve never even had a romantic relationship that was under a year long.

    And yeah I’ve had my drama. Casual sex has gone weird. My ex was actually monogamous but she started a triad because I wanted polyamory and that went just terribly. But also I was in my early 20s, similar situations for monogamous relationships aren’t blamed on monogamy but on dumb 20 somethings.

    But yeah I’m happy and stable. And I know my wife, gf, and meta would all agree that’s our situation

    Jaderick,

    I tried (long distance) dating a poly dude in a situation where he had a long term live-in boyfriend and got me and a trans girl to start dating him around the same time. He wanted a polycule to work out and it seemed plausible-ish for a few months, but the communication was atrocious. Everyone liked the central poly dude and I tried getting along with the other two, but it was clear they were just interested in the main dude. Turned into a mega jealousy situation between all of us which blew up horribly and spectacularly.

    In a good monogamous relationship now, but I wouldn’t even try a poly thing again. It requires a lot of communication, moving parts, and if someone is slightly less than truthful it’s probably doomed to fail lol.

    shinigamiookamiryuu,

    Not much. I’m what many might call a relationship anarchist and this can translate into polyamory, especially when QPR’s are a part of the equation (same with my closest friends but in a more meta way), but I’m not in any and never have been. I was offered the chance though because a classmate in middle and high school began aspiring to a polygamist relationship (LGBT relationships were already a thing and I guess my class got ideas) and managed to appeal to a bunch of other classmates. The core classmate of the relationship then had to move though (the family’s mom got a job somewhere else) and that created a weird sense of withdrawal among the participants.

    intensely_human,

    I was involved in a nonconsensual, clandestine polyamorous relationship once. It sucked, broke my fucking heart.

    BaronVonBort,

    That’s not polyamory, friend. That’s called cheating.

    LegionEris,

    It didn’t involve the assistant manager of a cheap motel, did it? I guess if you were the person I know who had that experience, you’d probably recognize my name and story.

    intensely_human,

    As far as I’m aware in included a fitness instructor and a mechanical engineer. There may have been a motel manager in there somewhere that I just never learned about.

    mrmacduggan, (edited )

    I recently attended a polyamorous wedding where one pair of individuals in the polycule were formalizing their individual bond/commitment to each other (but both still remaining in the larger structure of the 5-6 person polyromantic/polyamorous constellation.) It was cute! All the other members of the group walked the bride and groom down the aisle and gave cute best-man-style speeches instead of a religious ceremony.

    I enjoyed the event and they all seemed really happy.

    ____,

    I can’t help but think that this sort of mutual celebration would solve a variety of problems that humans experience.

    “I love this person, and I commit not only to them, but to those important to them.”

    That makes a great deal of sense to me

    vagrantprodigy, (edited )

    My wife and I are poly. Neither of us have found a long term person yet (Wife isn’t really looking because she is graysexual and doesn’t really want any additional deep emotional connections), but we’ve met a few great people who probably could have worked but for one or two incompatibilities. I’ve seen enough over the past two years to see that it definitely can work.

    LegionEris,

    Wife isn’t really looking because she is graysexual and doesn’t really want any additional deep emotional connections

    This kinda describes my wife’s boyfriend’s wife. (That was just fun to type out) Basically, because of the place and way she was raised, she didn’t understand that she was ace until she had two kids, and her sex life continued to exist. She was/is more or less done with that part of her life. She has two kids and a husband and a home, and that’s why she was having sex to begin with. As long as she has those things, she doesn’t care that her husband does things she does not enjoy with some other women. She’s happy with the way her life is. Plz don’t make her add sex back into the equation.

    vagrantprodigy,

    Poly was actually my wife’s idea for many of the reasons you list above. It’s not just sex though, my wife is also not a touchy feely person, and I am, as she calls me, a cuddle monster. Thankfully we are good at communicating and deeply love each other, and so were able to navigate all of this without arguing, yelling, etc…

    thezeesystem,

    Everyone always going to polyamory because of a bad relationship in there monogamous relationship is why there’s so much bad negativity about it.

    It’s just consenting adults who love each other.

    Still have the same drama and problems of monogamous relationships. But more problems and less problems, yet slightly different ,The same with anything

    I shall say this though. DO NOT ADD ANOTHER PERSON BECAUSE OF YOUR FAILING RELATIONSHIP. it won’t work. Ever.

    I would want to add more but it’s so incredibly much my brain can’t process and type that much.

    LegionEris,

    DO NOT ADD ANOTHER PERSON BECAUSE OF YOUR FAILING RELATIONSHIP

    It’s insane to me that this apparently must be said by multiple people with massive emphasis. We only considered this because our relationship was and still is so strong. We just met really young and have a lot of love to give. I don’t want to lose my wife or have had only one great romance in my life. She didn’t want marrying a woman to mean she would never experience men again. So we share the incredible bounty of love in which we live.

    ____,

    I’m a bit older than my wife, but your point rings true - we also met fairly young, and went through some stuff. That’s probably a meaningful part of how and why we are who we are.

    Meeting my wife fairly young meant that I got the raw, unfiltered version of her feelings and was able to compare/contrast that with my behavior - and improve it. That led to trust allowing discussion of involving others, and an understanding that neither of us is going anywhere / associated trust.

    thezeesystem,

    My general rules in a polyamorous relationship. Well guidelines as rules are so just off putting. But as long as it’s consensual equitable and pleasurable for all involved, it’s ok.

    ____,

    While I wouldn’t necessarily go to bed with all of them, there are a number of people who have deeply impacted my life in distinct ways, and from whom I have learned a great deal. Hell, I don’t even like all of them, but that doesn’t mean they’re not a meaningful part of my life.

    Agree with your take on adding another person to solve problems - always a terrible idea.

    My idea of ‘consenting adults’ has morphed significantly between, say, 21 and… my current age. Even the subsets of ‘consent’ and ‘adult’ have morphed. But at the end of the day, honesty is all that we have.

    I adore spending time with my wife - whether we’re ‘doing’ something’ together, or doing individual things we can talk about later.

    Poly means never running out of topics of conversation, or ways to understand each other.

    ‘Why her?’ really means 'Our relationship evolves, as all relationship should, what interest you about her and how can I support you?"

    That “how can I support you?” question is critical, and we’ve been married long enough that I never doubt the legitimacy of the question.

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