What are your experiences with polyamory, first or second hand?

I personally am in a phenomenally stable polyamorous relationship. I’ve been married to my wife for 12 years, and she has had the same boyfriend for about half of that time. It’s a really fulfilling arrangement for all of us in various ways. We’re all genuinely happy and satisfied. I’m kind of casually looking for a boyfriend of my own.

But I feel like I only hear negative stories about other poly experiences. It’s always unstable people and situations. It’s always two out of three people happy at most. Surely there are other success stories out there, and I just hear the disasters because they’re more memorable and fun to tell. Does anyone else have or know a polyamory success story?

EDIT: This blew up a little while I was asleep. I promise I’m at least reading every comment.

EDIT 2.0: ngl I did not expect the trope of polyamory to fix a struggling relationship would be so real. We did just the opposite and are both baffled. Don’t use volitility to fight the volitility.

A_Random_Idiot,

I’ve had a couple Poly experiences.

None of them are particularly happy memories, but it has nothing to do with Poly itself and everything to do with the fact that the only women that are attracted to me, or that are even interested in talking to me, seem to be abusers with a plethora of mental illness issues.

tron,

deleted_by_author

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    healer_56,

    OP specifically asks for a success story and you post this ? why ?

    tron,

    deleted_by_author

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    LegionEris,

    I upvoted you. I asked for experiences. I was hoping for success stories, but I came into this understanding that most people don’t have them. If literally nobody on Lemmy but me had a good polyamory story, that would be valid and wouldn’t discourage me.

    FlyingSquid,
    @FlyingSquid@lemmy.world avatar

    I knew two groups of polys. One was a success story and did very well with a big family full of kids. The other one broke up when it was clear two of them cared more about each other than a third. So I’m guessing it’s like every type of relationship- sometimes it works out well, sometimes it’s a disaster.

    ArmoredThirteen,

    So maybe not exactly a success story but I wouldn’t call it a disaster either. I don’t view my current experience to be negative even if it is extremely difficult for me.

    I’m poly, technically have been most my life but most my relationships have been functionally mono until 3 or 4 years ago. I’m in a hard place right now, 6 months ago my polycule split, two months ago my anchor partner very suddenly broke up with me, my nesting partner of over 10 years has stopped physically interacting with me.

    I thought I was insulated from heartbreak because I could fallback on other partners while I get back on my feet, and I did actually do that a couple times with non core partner breakups. Apparently the opposite can happen where all your partners drop away in rapid succession and you have to deal losing all the people who would have supported you.

    I’m happy I’m poly. It is difficult but so is being mono in different ways. The love I had when the polycule was functioning I can’t describe that to people who haven’t had it before. I had a great run of about 3 years of memories I’m going to hold very dearly. I’ll rebuild my relationships with new people and everything I’ve learned here will make things better for me in the future.

    NinjaFox,

    I’m poly, in a closed triad. Basically I live with my two partners and we are all dating eachother. Honestly, it just kinda works. Not much different than “traditional” relationships apart from the fact that even the biggest standard beds barely fit all 3 of us lol

    FinallyDebunked,
    @FinallyDebunked@slrpnk.net avatar

    you’re delusional

    LegionEris,

    With those two words polyamory, a practice as old as humanity and in every corner of the world, has been… FINALLY DEBUNKED! I can’t believe I was here for the destruction of a lifestyle!

    FinallyDebunked, (edited )
    @FinallyDebunked@slrpnk.net avatar

    It always fascinates me how eagerly people grasp at the most absurd ideas, if it allows them to evade unpleasant reality

    LegionEris, (edited )

    it always fascinates me how eagerly no life losers seek and lash out at people, if it allows them to feel better about themselves

    FinallyDebunked,
    @FinallyDebunked@slrpnk.net avatar

    oh you got offended i see

    LegionEris,

    No I just thought it was funny that you actually came back. Mimicking your formatting was a bit of a joke, see. Watch, I’ll do it again!

    oh you got no punctuation i see

    erranto,

    Genuine question. Shouldn’t there be love between you and her boyfriend for it to be polyamory ? otherwise isn’t it just polygamy ?

    IWantToFuckSpez, (edited )

    Polygamy means being married to multiple people, so no it wouldn’t be called polygamy. Gamos is Greek for marriage.

    erranto,

    My understanding is that, If one partner is in a relationship with more than one partner it is polygamy

    while if all the partners are in a relationship will all the other partners then it is polyamory

    I never considered marriage as a prerequisite for polygamy . because many people are polygamous even in states where polygamous marriages are outlawed.

    matter,

    Then your understanding of these terms is wrong. Polyamory refers to people having multiple relationships (consensually), that’s it.

    Astongt615,

    So there’s no term distinction between people with multiple separate relationships and those who’s relationships are all mutual/shared?

    vagrantprodigy,

    There are different terms inside of polyamory, but all of it falls into the polyamory bucket.

    matter, (edited )

    There is, but they all come under the umbrella of polyamory. There’s lots of sub categories like “parallel” (where someone’s partners don’t have much or any contact with each other), “kitchen table” where they’re not in a relationship but do talk a lot about scheduling etc, might be friends, and then where everyone is in the same relationship or has independent relationships between everyone in a group. But lots of people use lots of different terms for those things.

    BananaTrifleViolin,

    Polygamy does mean marriages but has been missed because people didn't have better alternative words. "Menage a trois" is another term not needing marriage but has connotations to some of being mostly sexual and also only cover 3 people.

    Polyamory as a word wasn't really widely used until the 90s and it's only really become mainstream in the last maybe 10 years?

    Polyamory is much more precise and correct than polygamy.for describing relationships outside marriage. Polygamy is also a legal term very specifically related to marriage laws.

    controlshiftn,

    God, this thread is a breath of fresh air. Every time the topic came up on reddit, you had the same core of bitter whiny losers reciting the same archetype of the rejected and resentful guy stuck at home while his GF was out ‘cheating’ on him, and insisting that this was the reality in every single case.

    LegionEris,

    Omg yes. This is the primary discussion of polyamory, and it drives me crazy. None of that common description looks like my life.

    lemann,

    I’m mono myself, but it’s nice to read various experiences here of poly relationships.

    I personally think i’m too selfish to survive in a poly environment though, and also I’m not really that interesting of a person in general - preferring time alone mostly.

    Poly requires a ton of trust and communication, so for me it would fall down quickly with the wrong kind of partner(s)… especially as it takes me a while to trust others

    LegionEris,

    I actually consider myself a selfish person. But I experience huge amounts of compersion. It makes me so happy when good things happen to the people I care about. It’s selfish of me to want more than one partner and to revel in my wife’s other relationship. But I’ll be damned if senseless or traditional moralizing is going to stop me from being or making people happy.

    SoleInvictus,
    @SoleInvictus@lemmy.world avatar

    I’m poly and am now in a monogamous marriage but was in a few poly relationships prior. I’m 99.5% okay with this.

    Poly was fun but had high overhead - there’s a certain amount of work required for any relationship and it seems to increase to some extent as you get closer with someone. Two partners was literally double the work, sometimes more. A lot of people thought I was a swinger which always pissed me off. A couple of non-poly girlfriends thought it gave them carte blanche to fuck around on the side while I was staying monogamous for them. Classy.

    My very last poly partner was simply horrid and ultimately turned me off to poly. Successful polyamory requires trust and communication. We had been unintentionally monogamous for awhile and it turned out she was not communicating some unfulfilled needs. To be fair, they were valid needs, but I couldn’t have known to fulfill them without being told first.

    When she and I started dating, we were only seeing each other and had agreed that we’d only consider bringing new people to the relationship if our “core” relationship was solid. That was always my condition in every poly relationship. Years later, without any prior warning, she told me about the issues she had with us and mandated that the only way she’d be willing for us to stay together was if I were to support her starting a relationship with an absolute trainwreck of a human being. He was a socially awkward, late twenties, literally virginal fellow that had never been in a relationship of any kind before and he nailed the cocky, oblivious, “kind of an asshole but projects the blame on you” engineer stereotype on the head so hard you could feel it across county lines. I noped the fuck out so hard. Looking back, my ex had glaring warning signs you could see from space, but I was pretty young and nieve, plus I was madly in love with her even before we started dating. This and an earlier relationship with a narcissistic abuser are the only relationships I regret.

    I met my now wife a few months after my ex and I split. She didn’t want to do poly and I was pretty burned out on it, so I had no complaints. I do miss it sometimes. I’m a bit of a flirt and I really miss that, the excitement of hitting it off with a new person and all the chemistry and interesting things to learn about them. Still, I wouldn’t trade what I have with my wife for all the dates in the world.

    fubo, (edited )

    My housemates are poly and pretty happy about it.

    It’s a bit of a logic puzzle:

    • I live in a house with A, B, and C.
    • A and B are married.
    • B is also dating J, who lives in a big complicated house with lots of people, including their partner K.
    • Separately, C is dating X.
    • X is married to Y; X is also dating Z.
    • I don’t know Y or K well enough to know if they have other partners, but I suspect so.
    • No, I am not dating anyone on this list.

    As far as I’m aware, there’s no current polycule link between AB and C; nor between any of them and me.

    Everyone in this list is in their 30s or 40s, and almost all are some flavor of queer; at least two are also trans. There are no kids in the picture, although we know other poly people in the neighborhood who do have kids.

    It’s all quite cheerful and civilized. Compersion is totally a thing. Also, fortunately people’s food preferences aren’t complicated when everyone’s over for dinner. If anybody starts dating someone who doesn’t like mushrooms, that’s gonna be a problem.

    controlshiftn,

    Dammit I don’t care what you get up to with who, I just want to know how many people I’m cooking for.

    0x4E4F,

    Please keep it civil, no under the table touching.

    AlolanYoda, (edited )

    How is your own dating life affected by this? Are you mono? Are the people you date weirded out or put off by this arrangement at all?

    Also, I need this turned into a diagram!

    fubo,

    I’m not at the moment, but if I were dating, it would be within a poly-friendly social context. I’m not in this space by accident; it’s actually what makes sense to me.

    LegionEris,

    I should really think more about compersion. It’s an idea that I think and talk about frequently, but it’s a term my brain hasn’t yet held for the long term. But I have huge amounts of compersion. I get so excited when good things happen to the people I care about. Our polyamory thrives on how happy it makes me to see my wife in that happy, lovey way with someone. I am just as delighted that my best friend was recently promoted to AM as I am that I was promoted to key lead with her. Compersion is a big part of my life that I should give more space and respect to express itself.

    redbr64,
    @redbr64@lemmy.world avatar

    It took me until this deep in the thread to realize compersion wasn’t a typo lol. Thanks for introducing me to a new term

    LegionEris,

    Ngl I had to look it up to be sure. I was correct, but I wasn’t confident.

    TheDoozer,

    I’ll tell you what. When I was young, the idea of (ethically) dating more than one person seemed interesting and exciting.

    I’m 40, and just reading about X’s part in this had me recoiling in horror at the amount of work it would be to be married and dating two other people. I hope they’re unemployed or part time, because those relationships sound like a full-time job.

    bandario,
    @bandario@lemmy.dbzer0.com avatar

    My thoughts exactly. It just seems like SO MUCH WORK. It’s difficult enough balancing a career, children and keeping one relationship healthy.

    SkyeStarfall, (edited )

    It sounds like it. But in practice? Not really?

    As that’s assuming every partner gets the same amount of attention as in a mono relationship, but your partner(s) has other partners, they can hang out with someone else when you are busy or need some time for yourself. How much time you spend with your partner(s) is very flexible.

    In fact, in my polycule, people tend to actually get more alone time, because you are not the sole person fulfilling your partner’s romantic needs. It’s remarkably flexible, and, while it may need some planning and/or making sure you tend to your relationships, in my case it feels remarkably straightforward and freeing.

    It’s a thing I like a lot, actually. Not feeling like I am the sole person responsible for someone’s romantic needs. It lifts a fair amount of stress off of me.

    This flexibility means you can tune a lot of things, into what works for everyone.

    snownyte,
    @snownyte@kbin.social avatar

    I've been in like, 3 or 4 of them so far. I can really see the value in a poly relationship but I find it, that it's incredibly challenging to maintain much less establish one. All of the ones I've been in, was where the individual wanting or orchestrating the poly relationship, was just a flat out cheater who wanted more than they can handle. My limit is no more than 2 other partners. The people I kept finding myself with, practically wanted like several partners too many and it just complicated things.

    I'm open to being in a good one but I really don't know nor would I know anything or anyone that'd want a good stable poly relationship.

    BananaTrifleViolin,

    It sounds like the person you were with would have been better off in an open relationship with someone.rather than labelling it as polyamory or want to pursue polyamory?

    I've not been in a ployamerous relationship myself but I'd imagine the hardest part is the time and effort needed to maintain your relationship with each partner?

    I could see 2 partners being doable but hard work, but once you go beyond that, then it must get very difficult? Especially if you don't all live together as juggling full time work around making the time and space to maintain very close personal relationships must be very hard.

    And my mind boggles when you get to pplyamorpus "networks" where 2 partners may have relationships with other people rather than a shared 3rd partner. I think it would take a lot of honesty and maturity to make that work long term. I don't think I'd be capable of that.

    Son_of_dad, (edited )

    Wife and I have always been open to the idea, tried it a few times, all positive experiences, even the challenging ones. We dated this single female friend together for a while, we’ve gone to sex clubs (there’s a great, super positive one in my city). I feel like it’s made us more honest and open with each other.

    If I could recommend a book, “The ethical slut” There’s good tips and info in there, I liked it, though it’s a bit old. “More than two” is newer and great as well

    Rakqoi,

    I’m polyamorous myself, with a girlfriend of about 18 months and another of nearly a year. Both my relationships are stable and very fulfilling, and also relaxed and laid-back. It takes more communication to have it work but for me I can’t even imagine living any other way, polyamory feels right for me and me and my partners are happier than we’ve ever been.

    Granted, my relationships aren’t a case of opening an existing partnership, but rather I talked about the fact that I’m polyamorous to each partner very early on before we even considered a relationship. Most drama I’ve seen in polyamory comes from one partner in a monogamous pair wanting “more” and so the decision is pretty one sided, and neither is willing to really put in the work and communication that healthy polyamory requires. Every polyamorous person I know that started their relationships as polyamorous is healthy and happy in their partnerships.

    LegionEris,

    We opened up an existing relationship, but it was more my idea for her to have a boyfriend. I knew she romanticized affairs and infidelity. I knew that her experience of being with a man romantically and physically is meaningfully different from how we are together. And I’ve just never been that sort of possessive, so I encouraged her to seek out something I couldn’t give her

    Rakqoi,

    I’m really happy it’s working out for you! I’m not saying that all existing partnerships opening to polyamory are doomed to fail or are inferior in any way, just that from what I’ve seen they’re much harder to pull off, possibly because people tend to open relationships for the wrong reasons. But when it does work out and everyone involved is entirely on board and is willing to put in the work, they can absolutely be beautiful and healthy relationships.

    southsamurai,
    @southsamurai@sh.itjust.works avatar

    No real first hand experience. I kinda interacted with people that were /are poly, but wasn’t part of their group.

    But the thing I noticed about poly groups regarding the kind of stability that would be a success in any objective view, is that there’s usually a core few that comprise the true group, with anyone else being kinda replaceable. It’s usually either a “throuple”, or two pairs, and those core relationships are what really matters when there’s any trouble.

    Imo, that makes sense. In a real world sense, nobody loves everyone equally. It might get close, but we as a species just aren’t that controlled in our emotions. They’re shifting and tied to so many different memories that it’s barley possible to have comparable levels of love, much less exactly the same.

    And, there’s the issue of numbers and work. If a couple has X amount of work to maintain, a third person doesn’t turn that into X+1, it turns it into X^3, because you have A×B, the first two, then you have A×C, B×C, and, A×B×C. The dynamics of each pair of individuals is the same, but you add the dynamics of the group to that. Add a 4th person, and you get X^4, and so on. So, the larger the group gets, the harder it is to actually maintain every relationship at all, much less equally.

    But! I know two poly groups that have been stable for a long time. One since the mid nineties, the other since 2003 (officially, but they got together informally a few years before that). The older group stabilized out at five people back around 98, when a couple that had joined in decided it wasn’t working for them.

    The other group is essentially a foursome, though they tend to rotate through twosomes over time. Like, one couple spends a few months more focused on each other, then the other two people either do the same or float a little as individuals without as much group interaction. But they’re all bisexual as well as poly, so there’s that helping out a little; everyone is into everyone romantically and sexually, so there’s less chance of someone feeling left out.

    Both groups have kids, btw. Which can get a little tough on the kids in school, but damned if it isn’t a plus at home. Like, those kids never lack for someone to help them, give them affection or discipline, or anything. The oldest boy from the longer lasting group is out on his own now, and doing well for himself.

    The only other poly group I know well enough to have picked up details about their arrangements went back a lot further, back into the sixties when they met. Which is a success, if you ask me, but there’s only the one lady left now, and that’s fucking brutal to lose three partners that you love like that. I don’t know if it’s any worse than losing a monogamous partner or not, but holy hell has she been through some pain over the last two decades.

    I call them a success though. They went through fourty-plus years together, raised kids, lived life, and stuck together. I didn’t meet any of them until one of the guys had a stroke, back before I got hit with the disability stick and had to quit working. I was a CNA, and when he had the next stroke, they asked if I could come back, so I got to know them a good bit. But they’d lost one of their group between times to cancer.

    For myself, I don’t think I could handle that part. I know that if my wife dies before me, it’s going to break me. I can’t imagine going through that two or three (or more) times.

    Which is probably not the most pleasant way to end this comment, being a bit less happy than maybe you were wanting. But I figure if one group of people can live poly together long enough for that, then polyamory is nothing to dismiss, and it’s certainly proof that it can be satisfying and good.

    frogfruit,

    I have a family member in a throuple. They dated their partner for a few years before dating someone together, who later attended their wedding. They’ve been a throuple for about 8 years now and all seem pretty happy.

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