My tendency to get walked all over. Recent events made me realise that I need to get a lot better at putting my foot down and telling people when there’s a problem.
To cut a week-long story short, my NYE plans to do pub karaoke (which I planned nearly a month in advance) got hijacked when another friend group decided to make alternate plans to go to the club and make one of my close friends cancel on me. This led to me being pressured by another close friend into cutting my original plans two hours short so that my friend group could all be together at midnight. Of course, the other group making the alt plans all pulled out on the morning of the 31st Dec, leaving me and my three other friends with tickets to go to a nightclub that I didn’t particularly want to go to.
I don’t like clubbing. Nightclubs are overcrowded, loud to the point where you literally can’t hear anybody and have to yell at the bartender to even order a drink, and they make me feel isolated. I also feel insecure about my physical attractiveness and jealous due to my inability to pull.
Botched NYE plans aside, 2023 definitely ended on a good note. I went from working in a crappy purchase ledger job, to facing layoffs, to escaping redundancy by finding a much better internal role that has honestly felt like a culture shock to me.
In December 2022 I realized I skipped seeing my cardiologist for 6 years. Did a 24 hour monitor. Apparently my heart rate was dropping to 21 bpm and stopping pumping for up to three seconds. So in February 2023 they cut me open and give me a pacemaker. Months go on and I am still getting winded. So they did another heart Cath procedure (on the 28th) and it turns out my heart is doing worse than thought even, so in the next 3-5 years I'll need a heart transplant. But the make up of my organ layout means I'll need a specialist, which just all sounds so slim. I am 33 and so fucking tired.
I hope to leave some of this stress behind. I know there's a lot I can't escape now, but I hope I can leave some of the anger and fear behind. It's been hard to be a good dad or partner this year just from feeling so stressed, and if I don't know how long we will have I just want my daughter to remember a happier dad.
I’m only a few years older than you and have ischaemic cv disease (blocked arteries). It’s a common problem in people twice my age. I thought I ate well and exercised regularly but it turns out that stuff doesn’t help that much if you lost the genetic lottery like me.
I had a heart attack this year, while my partner was pregnant with our first children. Yes 2x kids. They were born a few months ago.
IDK if I have 2 years or 20 years to do my best for them… but fuck it’s a bitter pill.
I absolutely get the dread / fear / anger.
Every time I have a new blood test that shows I’m more fucked than I hoped it just… hurts.
Add comment