JokeDeity, 1 year ago

It’s funny how when you’re doing okay a message like that doesn’t feel like much from a stranger, but his a lot deeper when you’re feeling at the end of your rope, I appreciate your kindness and compassion. It’s just gotten worse and worse every year, I had stability at one time and I was an equal contributer, but I just feel like complete shit about myself constantly and nothing seems to go right. My vehicle which I’m still paying a loan on has been in a mechanics shop for 3 months, the car that I had been borrowing developed a major oil leak and can’t be driven so I am stuck getting rides across town with no decent bussing options (which I’ve admittedly never taken a public bus out of anxiety), my credit cards which I got initially to help my fiance with things have gone unpaid for about 6 months with daily calls from collectors, and whatever else I can’t bring to mind right now, but it’s all just a decline no matter how hard I try or how decent of a person I try to be to everyone I interact with in my life. And on top of that most of my friends haven’t talked to me in years and the one good friend I do talk to every few months or so has her own life and issues to deal with, I have no family anywhere near me and have a bad relationship with my father, my mother is wonderful but I feel even worse dumping my troubles on her because she has no way to help me from across the country and with her extremely limited resources and I know it makes her feel like she failed as a parent because she couldn’t provide me with the things she thinks she should have (I don’t blame her a bit, she really is a wonderful person), which means the only person who I can talk to about anything going wrong in my life is the love of my life who is being embittered towards me by every compounding issue. I recently got back on ADHD meds after being off them for a decade or more and it’s only seemed to serve to make me have energy and no appetite, but not help me that much, I want to try antidepressants for the first time in my life, but the doctors don’t make it easy, it was a struggle just to get on the ADHD meds even though I had taken Adderall for 5+ years in the past. It’s just overwhelming and never ever seems to let up. I can’t play video games any more, television just seems to fade into the background as I’m consumed by horrible thoughts constantly.