wreckedcarzz, 1 year ago

Moreso ‘awkward dinner table questioms’ and ‘quick glances to others’. I remember very vividly throughout my teen years that I wanted so desperately to reveal my orientation and (assuming everything went well) get reassurance and validation and yada yada. Every single time I was thinking about it, weighing the risks, someone would say some vile comment about a character on the show we had on, or a snarky question under the assumption that I shared their views, or whatever.

My parents are such a mixed bag; they can be really great caretakers, but fuck me if they can’t be the most dreadful, racist, and condescending people too. My extended family is that but even more.

I came out after a stroke at 21 that I wasn’t supposed to live through. When I did, it was in a therapy (physical, occupational, speech) setting. When my father asked me, “why [did you pick to tell us] here?”, my response was “because if you started to beat me, help is just down the hall [nurses, security]”.

It’s not the divide between who we like to sleep with, but the fact that my (extended) family has very… strong views, and it - along with my changing religious views, and other big factors - pushed me away from them, to solitude. Gatherings of people I don’t like, don’t trust, who think poorly on me because what I think when one passes, or what people and activities I want in my private spaces, enrage me deeply.

I’m glad that it’s not like that everywhere, but damn, I’m surrounded on all sides from where I stand. :(