Kolanaki,
@Kolanaki@yiffit.net avatar

My brain:

Do you have a problem? -> No -> FREAK OUT!

rockerface,

Do you have a problem? -> No -> Create a problem

jayrodtheoldbod,

Why don’t you simply turn off the unwanted emotion??

That’s how emotions work, right? Right, that’s how they work.

sheogorath,

TBH it’s a learned skill to stop worrying about something if there’s nothing productive you can do for that problem.

LillyPip,

Do you have a problem? Yes, I don’t have enough money for bills + food.

Can you do something about it? No, I’m on a fixed income.

Then don’t worry. Uh…

Drewelite,

I mean if a meteor is coming, I’m not worrying.

LillyPip,

I agree. Not sure that necessarily means we’re mentally stable.

stefano,

You CAN do something: change you job, study something to improve your skills, change country if you must.

orcrist,

The important point is not to do something, but rather to solve the problem. And some people simply can’t, and it sucks.

sugar_in_your_tea,

I don’t think that’s true. Humans are incredibly good at solving problems, so I really don’t think “can’t” is really ever applicable. The tighter the spot, the more ingenuity it takes to solve the problem. But a solution can always be found or created.

You may not be able to solve the program now, but you can probably do something to help you solve it later.

philthi,

This is reductive to the point of absurdity, if this were true no one would ever die from any problem (i.e. drowning, falling, etc.) They’d simply activate ingenuity.

Some problems do not have a solution in a given circumstance.

E.g. I’m locked in a prison on a sinking ship that’s already 1km underwater, and my cell is completely full of water and I’ve held my breath for 2 minutes now.

sugar_in_your_tea,

I should’ve added “given enough time” to that statement.

My take is that if you accept that there’s nothing you can do, then that’s it. If you don’t accept that, you have a chance of improving the outcome, even if it’s small. Giving up never improves your outcomes, there’s always something you can try that both won’t make things worse and might make things better.

In your scenario, you have two options: accept death or try something. Since you aren’t going to make it worse, you might as well try something. Some options:

  • pick the lock
  • break the lock
  • squeeze through the bars
  • try to use magic to grow gills or something

Literally any of those has a higher chance of success than doing nothing, and if you had more time, one of the first three might even work. If by some miracle you get out, the next step is to look for a pocket oh air. And so on. Take it one step at a time.

philthi,

Ok, I can agree with this logic “it’s better to try than to give in” much more than “there’s always a solution”.

That to me still leaves some people starving of hunger due to a lack of money and an excess of bills. But I agree that even in that horrible situation it’s better to keep trying than give in.

I was worried the argument here was closer to “you’re in this terrible situation because you didn’t try enough” which I wholeheartedly disagree with.

I feel now that we’re in agreement though?

sugar_in_your_tea,

If there’s no solution, there’s no point in trying, so you need to believe there’s always a solution. Maybe there’s no apparent solution, but with some effort one can be discovered.

some people starving

And if they do nothing, they will continue to starve. If they try something, maybe they won’t. Some options:

  • apply for government assistance, if available
  • apply for additional jobs
  • scavenge
  • sell things to buy food
  • change other spending habits
  • steal
  • commit a crime bad enough to go to jail (prisoners get fed)

Each of those has difference costs, chances of success, and chances of making your situation worse. You know what you’ll get if you do nothing, so it’s probably better to try something.

in agreement

IDK, my goal in online discussions isn’t to reach agreement, but to fully explain my side and understand the other person’s side. Maybe I’ll convince them, maybe they’ll convince me, but either way, the discussion should provide value for the next person who comes along and reads it.

saze,

Humans are incredible at filtering, therefore a solution can float right on by if it isn’t the “right one”. Also solutions to most problems come by as a result of completely unrelated activity. Therefore it is incredibly important to be doing something, anything that isn’t directly destructive to your goals.

ShittyKopper,

sure let me just walk to a better country

hey wait why are there people with guns around me

stefano,

Man the US are not the world, in the civilized world you don’t get shot for migrating…

ShittyKopper,

I wish I was in the us lol

LillyPip,

Not always. For example, I’m 100% disabled with a neurodegenerative disease for which there’s no treatment or cure.

This is good advice if you’re not locked in a situation entirely out of your control, but for plenty of people it’s not that simple.

stefano,

I’m sorry, but all civilized countries in the word offer some social assistance to people in your situation. Put together all disabled people and their families and fight for your rights.

LillyPip,

People have been fighting for those rights for decades. That doesn’t change the fact some people are destitute because of health issues with no way to improve their personal situation. And if I had the physical ability to organise people and fight for things, I’d have the ability to work. I’m not sure you know what ‘100% disabled’ actually means.

stefano,

There are a lot of disabilities, so I don’t know… in my country you could have a 100% physical disability but be in your mind (quadriplegic for example), and in fact there was a person in this condition that fought the government in court and won forcing the government to legislate in his favor and others in similar conditions.

EvokerKing, (edited )

Anything -> worry

fossphi,

It was also a bitter revelations to me when I met some optimistic people and figured out that it’s not everyone who’s a defeatist pessimistic piece of shit like me. :/

spikederailed,

Do I have a problem?

No -> Don’t Worry. Yes -> Can I do something -> No -> What the worst possible outcomes and how will I deal with them? Can I do something -> Yes -> What the worst possible outcomes and how can I negate them to only have best outcomes.


Worrying is good, preparedness makes it easier.

Rin,

Except when it becomes an anxiety disorder.

sugar_in_your_tea,

That’s not worrying though. Worrying is unproductive fear of the unknown, your steps eliminate the unknown and use logic to solve the problem. That’s good, but you need to be able to break the worry cycle so your logical brain can step in.

UnderpantsWeevil,
@UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world avatar

Explaining this diagram to a guy in the middle of a plane crash, but he just keeps screaming and pounding at the windows.

CaptPretentious,

In the afterlife, first thing he’ll say is 'Don’t EVEN say it…"

Mango,

This is how a lazy detached person’s brain works.

Zink,

I’ve gotten decent at this, but it has taken years of practicing the skill, plus trying various medications. Not to mention a couple of job losses during covid.

The fun combo of adhd and anxiety made this a necessity if I wanted to generally enjoy life.

The ability to not worry about shit sounds simple, but it is much easier said than done. It’s like a muscle that you have to exercise and build up.

Here are the elevator pitched for three topics that helped me:

Mediation/mindfulness: I listened to some Buddhist talks, and liked the way some of them explained focusing on your breath and stepping back to observe your own emotions without embracing those feelings at the time. And you have compassion for yourself, and not judge things negatively. Just observe what is. It’s something you can practice at any time, and the more you do it, the more you can stay in that state while doing other things. There is also a big component of controlling your desires, because those are often a big component of suffering.

Philosophy: around the same time, I was reading stoic philosophy. Marcus Aurelius is the big name there. The bottom line is that regardless of what happens to you, the way that you internally process it and react to it is what really determines how it affects your life & mental state. So with practice, time, and sometimes medication, you are more and more in control of your mental state and how things affect you.

Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT): The world around you is what it is, so instead of worrying about things you can’t control, you accept the true state of things and then filter that through your personal values to decide how to act.

Some common themes here, to be sure. Along with being able to better control your thoughts and emotions, it’s about finding contentment and tranquility in whatever your life looks like. Not because everything is great, but because your mental state is much more important than reacting how you “should” react.

Paradachshund,

I just wanted to say I appreciate the way you wrote this and didn’t hide the fact it’s taken you a lot of work, and is an ongoing practice. I see these types of things get suggested far too often without that context. “Just meditate” really takes away from how much discipline over years or a lifetime it takes. There’s nothing easy or quick about it, and it takes a lot of courage to keep it up.

Zink,

Thanks, I appreciate your reply!

And yeah, I guess it’s easy to gloss over the ongoing nature sometimes. People think “how do I fix myself” but there isn’t ever a fix. There are incremental improvements as long as you’re working at it. But then one day, you look back and realize it has accumulated into a big difference.

samus12345,
@samus12345@lemmy.world avatar

But worrying about it is what gives the motivation to do something about it.

nucleative,

Worrying about problems definitely helps to keep you alive, but the motivation to do something ideally comes from a prefrontal cortex desire to improve rather than a fight or flight response to threats.

FatTony,
@FatTony@lemmy.world avatar

If the answer is ‘maybe’ then you are allowed to worry.

tjtherealbest,

I have generalized anxiety disorder and adhd. I wish i could control my anxiety and impulsive thoughts completely

randon31415,
Mandy,

I dont wanna worry, i really dont.

i wish it would be like that.

I may not be able to do anything for certain things but they are exactly what is really doing me in right now, how am i supposed to NOT worry.

Funkytom467,
@Funkytom467@lemmy.world avatar

You’re homeless, just buy a house.

You’re sick, just stop.

You’re sad, just don’t.

You’re depressed, just be happy.

Duh

UnderpantsWeevil,
@UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world avatar

Vomiting into the toilet with zen tranquility, because I understand why seven tequilas was a mistake and am simply undergoing the aftermath of my decision.

Staring down the barrel of a gun and experiencing perfect serenity because the universe is beyond my control.

Strapped to a chair and having my fingers tenderized with a meat mallet, but its okay, because all my available decisions have been made.

Literally on fire, but this is fine, because there’s nothing around to put me out.

Drewelite,

The mind is a powerful thing. So is reality. It’s important to strike a balance. https://lemmynsfw.com/pictrs/image/e1da1f98-7a54-4d19-aa8f-7c6fa262ad9f.webp

sugar_in_your_tea,

Yeah, sometimes life be like that.

One thing that has helped me is to figure out what the consequences are for failure. If I don’t pay my credit card bill, my credit will get dinged and I may have to deal with a lawsuit some months down the road for failure to pay. Or if I don’t pay my rent, I’ll be kicked out and need to stay with friends or go to the local homeless shelter. Even if the consequences really suck, knowing what they are helps me stop worrying about what they could be.

The next step is to take a small step toward solving the problem. Maybe I can’t financially handle losing my job today, but I can save a little cash so I’ll be able to handle losing it in a few months. Making some progress feels good, even if the progress is slow. Keep coming up with a baby step toward a solution and you’ll eventually get there. Maybe you save some cash this month, then spend the cash on something to help you save more next month (e.g. maybe buy a staple in bulk to save per unit).

A_Chilean_Cyborg,
@A_Chilean_Cyborg@feddit.cl avatar

I used being like that, I miss being like that.

Asafum,

Same here. I actually just decided last night that I hate who I am so much that I’m going to “kill myself” in that I’m going to try to completely kill off the person that I “was.”

I have a lot of respect for transgender people who sort of go through a similar thing so I’m taking inspiration from them and saying old asafum is dead, I killed him, and in his place I’ll be a new asafum.

ExhibiCat,

I’ve had much more success with just embracing who I am, flaws included, than with trying to change my nature. I was able to achieve much more by stopping to try to be someone I’m not.

But your mileage may vary of course.

Asafum,

That’s the route I went initially. I thought I was being delusional by thinking I could be different, the thought of denying my initial feelings/reactions felt like I was being “fake” or denying who I am, but then I just remain as the person I hate most in the entire world.

I can’t live life being an angry bitter miserable asshat who never misses a chance to beat himself up because I think I deserve it. If I hate that person so much then I should just leave them in the past and be better. It’s so strange that it’s actually physically painful to go through. Like I get headaches fighting off my initial reaction and forcing myself to think differently/positively.

eatthecake,

Remember to forgive yourself and let go of that hate, whatever you do. Self forgiveness is important for moving forward and you deserve to give yourself that.

EldritchFeminity,

If you can’t get a big tiddy goth gf, then become the big tiddy goth gf.

Fill your house with arcane and esoteric items of dubious origin simply because they make you happy (bootleg pokemon figurines). Join a coven (D&D group or whatever other hobby) and join together for rituals that reignite the connection with nature that exists in all of us (hang out and touch some grass; pet a dog/cat, it’ll literally reduce your risk of heart disease). Become the witch who lives at the end of the street, creating strange brews that heal the sick (start a garden and cook homemade soup for your friends). Create a new family bound not by blood, but by bonds forged through hardship and triumph both. Move in with a girl that historians will refer to as your “good friend” and roommate.

Realize that it’s all you, and it always has been. That the person you were was simply the shell you created to protect yourself from the world. You are the big tiddy goth gf of your dreams and you can be the big tiddy goth gf that other people dream of, and all you have to do is let go of your shackles (and your facial hair).

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