I did this to help get over weed-induced anxiety. Smoked a bit at uni, started getting bad anxiety most times, so I stopped smoking. Whenever I felt weird while sober (dizzy, spaced out, over-caffeinated), it Pavlov’d me into getting anxiety. Staring into the mirror and getting that weird dissociation gave me a controllable environment to get used to strange perceptual shifts.
Notably, this didn’t happen to me yesterday. I saw my reflection for a moment in a window while at work and was surprised to see myself. The person I am inside my head never had a face; the image I saw in the mirror was like a mask I’d always been wearing and couldnt take off.
I don’t know why it happened exactly when it did, I’ve been transitioning for over a year now, but it’s really fucking satisfying to finally take the “mask” off and see myself.
It’s honestly similar to how it felt when I changed my name. Like this barrier between my ‘self’ and the physical world being torn down. Like taking a full breath for the first time.
Dysphoria is real and it sucks, and I wish that nobody had to experience it. What made the biggest difference for me, even before I could socially or medically transition, was just finally allowing me to address my own self as a boy, just in my own thoughts or in writing or art. That was the hardest thing for me, but also the most freeing.
I dunno where I’m going with this, just rambling at this point. But just in case it needs to be said, you are real and fucking resilient, you matter, and you’re not alone. ♡
I love that feeling, it’s strange but fascinating to see my face melt and age like that, if you look for long enough you might even feel like your reflection is falling at you
I don’t ever remember my dreams for longer than an hour but I do know that they are often incredibly surreal. Afaik I haven’t looked in a mirror but it doesn’t sound pleasant. They’ve always made me uncomfortable even sober. Passing by mirrors at night as a kid was always a very stressful experience
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