thefartographer

@thefartographer@lemm.ee

This profile is from a federated server and may be incomplete. Browse more on the original instance.

thefartographer, (edited )

False. The correct way to sleep is on a 7-11 sausage roller set to high speed.

  • The heat lamp creates warmth which you normally substitute with a dangerous choking blanket
  • the high-speed spinning flings off your sweat to keep you cool using Bernoulli’s Principle instead of energy-hungry and dangerous fans or AC units
  • the constant flow of vomit and other effluvia helps you maintain a healthy figure instead of ridiculously augmenting your life with the high-risk activity of “exercise.”
thefartographer,

Plus, they work way more hours than we do cuz of their big, smart brains. They have to call their R&D department at crazy hours of the night to rant a coked-out list of shit ideas that range from morally bankrupt to pure causes of bankruptcy so that numerous teams of real people, real people with real families and real educations or real work experience who dedicated their adult lives to lead up to the moment that they could be part of this team, have to sift through all the horseshit cascading from a dragon, rich beyond comprehension but mentally and emotionally stunted by their lack of relatable experiences, so that when the one slightly less stupid idea out of the thousands of moronic ones accidentally slips past the lawyers and makes it to production, the dragon can take credit for being a hard working genius and then justify adding to their pile of gold that’s covered in the blood, sweat, and tears of the starving villagers who just died trying to save the dragon’s ass because constantly bailing out a dragon is somehow preferable to being homeless in the gutter where the only way to possibly make money is to either steal from the dragon or sell the dragon drugs that the dragon will use right before calling the head of R&D…

Fuck dragons. I bet they’re goddamn delicious.

deleted_by_author

  • Loading...
  • thefartographer,

    A mathematician, physicist, and statistician all go hunting when they come across a deer. The mathematician first calculates for the mass of the round, the muzzle velocity, and drop rate then says “ok, give me the rifle.” He fires and misses by 3 feet to the left. “Miss!” exclaims the statistician.

    The physicist takes the rifle and says, “you forgot to calculate for wind velocity!” He does some more calculations between 3 spheres and then says that he’s ready. He fires the rifle and misses by 3 feet to the right.

    “We got him!” the statistician excitedly yells as the deer goes running off into the woods.

    thefartographer,

    Both sides are bad the same way that day-past-expiration milk and arsenic are both yucky

    thefartographer,

    I imagined it for you. Your penis was delicious.

    thefartographer,

    i-sand… is-and… isund? iand? Ok, I give up, how are you supposed to pronounce it without the L?

    thefartographer,

    Stupid woke anti-murder cancel culture. In my day, we got murdered 3 times a week uphill both ways, and we were grateful!

    thefartographer, (edited )

    Last Christmas, I did a big shart

    The very next day, you ran away.

    Thiiiiis year, be kind to my rear

    And say that my skid marks are special

    thefartographer,

    Especially considering that 80% of the passengers will be seated behind the wings. Somehow they still won’t have room in the overhead storage and I’ll have to check my CPAP at the gate.

    thefartographer,

    Yeah, October 7th was pretty fucked up, but it’s not like Israelis aren’t under constant threat. What sucks is that kind of fear leads to suspicion and a strange flavor of xenophobia I’ve never really seen from other countries…

    But I can tell you that, in a way, Israelis didn’t necessarily see Gazans as Hamas before, but they sure as fuck saw them as an other and a threat. I swear, the things I heard from even my most liberal Israeli family members was shocking. “They just breed like rabbits,” “they want to be in power so they can oppress us,” “they can’t hold their own elections because they’ll just vote for terrorists.” And then the most religious citizens of their country live part of the year in NYC, have so many kids that they forget to vaccinate them, and vote for Trump and Netanyahu in two separate elections.

    thefartographer,

    I’m kinda in a political vacuum and, being Jewish, am kinda shielded from being called antisemitic, but are people for realsies being called antisemitic for saying statements like “a little girl was filming from her house when the IDF shot her,” or is it more hyperbolic than literal? I mean, I’ve known some assholes from the Jewish community who would probably pull that shit to get out of an argument, but does anyone actually listen to them? I mean, I’m not gonna take hygiene tips from someone covered in dog shit…

    Either way, selfishly, I just want my family in Israel to be safe; idealistically, the Israeli state should have been checked before it had even gotten to this point. You can’t destroy people’s lives and homes and then think they’re gonna roll over when you corner them.

    I hope against all logic that there’s a quick and less lethal end to all this. After that, it’d sure be fucking great to see some repercussions for war crimes and crimes against humanity for once. I can’t even imagine what the poor Palestinian survivors of this are gonna be like when it’s all over. How can you ever go back to any reasonable form of daily living?

    thefartographer,

    Thank you for that answer! Fuck the terrorists in government on both sides destroying all the beautiful people between them. Also, I’ve met some non-beautiful people in both countries. So fuck them too, but small-scale.

    How do I reduce the squeaking of my faux leather sofa?

    I’ve got a (faux) leather sofa (not sure how to tell difference). Sitting on it or moving around makes the leather rub together and squeak a LOT. It wouldn’t bother me but I live in an upstairs flat so I get paranoid if it’s late at night and I move on the sofa it’s “CREEESQUEEEEEEEUUUURRRR”....

    thefartographer,

    How dare you combat my dismissive humor with well-said, thoughtful arguments!

    I’m gonna upvote your comment, but while I do, I’m gonna be thinking about the words you said and how I’ve also allowed a misogynistic bias cause me to overlook Rose as the three-dimensional character that she is and it’s all your fault!

    thefartographer,

    Titanic truly was the strangest fan-fic softcore porn ever…

    thefartographer,

    Ugh, happens to me all the time when I get overconfident trying to hammer in bolts.

  • All
  • Subscribed
  • Moderated
  • Favorites
  • localhost
  • All magazines
  • Loading…
    Loading the web debug toolbar…
    Attempt #