I have a brother who is younger than me by 6 years. Our upbringing was a bit weird. Our parents basically forbid anything that might cause them inconvenience, irritation, or expense - which was most things that might interest a kid. (No, they're not religious, which is the first question that everyone asks. They're just raging assholes who are also a bit stupid. I can't really explain it much beyond that.)
In addition to the manipulation and emotional abuse, they rewarded us if we informed on each other. I seldom did. Not through any great virtue or integrity of my own, but because I routinely got punished for the stupid shit he did. For instance, I didn't tell them when our adult neighbor shot little bro with an air rifle because I knew he would catch absolute hell for being in the position of getting shot with an air rifle. Even if I didn't catch hell about it, it was miserable to watch him get screamed at. For context on this story - we had been told to stay away from Steve's yard because Steve was a known psycho with a hatred for neighbor kids. On that glorious summer day, Steve had dropped a $5 bill on his driveway just inside the property line... and was waiting for a kid to come by and be dumb enough to try to pick it up.
I might actually tell that one at their funeral.
By contrast, bro was younger and never got any blowback if I was doing something wrong. He actually recorded me talking on the phone with a friend when I was in middle school. He picked up the other line and held one of those shitty '70s tape recorders to the earpiece. Talking on the phone was forbidden and he was collecting proof to use against me. My friend and I weren't plotting shit, I wasn't grounded (the concept was foreign because we were never really allowed to go out or do things like talk on the phone anyway), it was just forbidden to talk on the phone.
I could excuse it when he was eight, but he passed along "dirt" on me well into his late teens and my twenties. He was under pressure from them as well, but he basically shredded any idea of trust between us for far too many times to count. I forgot what the final straw was, but I remember thinking, "I can never confide in this person and feel trust." In every meaningful way, I've ignored him for the last 20 years.
He's probably the least shitty thing about family gatherings, but that's not saying much.
Man I feel for both of you in this situation. Obviously he could have made a decision at some point in his life to stop being shitty, and he didn’t, so that’s on him and I don’t blame you one bit for not having a relationship with him (or much of one). But I can also imagine a kid with really shitty parents who gets “rewarded” for essentially alienating their older sibling in this manner, so he does that in the hopes that it will strengthen an otherwise toxic bond with the parents. Which of course it really doesn’t, but no kid is going to understand that. Any kid wants good parents who love them. Oh man, I’m so sorry, for both of you but mostly for you.
Been the victim of fraud. Unfortunately - yes.
When I was younger and Chip 'n' PIN was becoming popular, many smaller shops had a Paypoint machine that would print the entire card number and CCV on the receipt. I was so paranoid about fraud, especially given that there was sufficient information printed on the receipt that anyone could do an Amazon order with those details. I used to get a black permanent marker and scribble the details out before putting the receipt in the bin.
Imagine my horror when a decade later, I learn that I have been the victim of fraud, and a type of fraud it was entirely impossible for me to prevent. In the UK fraudsters watch for new companies popping up on Companies House and then use the details to go on a shopping spree. The way it works is like this:
They see my name, address and date of birth on the website. They are looking for a name that matches their surname and first initial. So for me that could be Alexander Jones for example. They go to a retail park and pop into Argos. They order several thousand pounds of stuff. When they go to pay, the person at the counter helpfully asks "Do you have an Argos credit card? If you apply for one today, we'll transfer the balance of today's purchases to the card" and armed with my address, date of birth and name, and a card that already has the same surname and first initial as me - they are accepted for an Argos credit card. Post nothing for the goods they just bought and leave the store. They go next door to JJB sports, and then whole process repeats. "Do you have a JJB sports card? If you get one today...."
They visited 6 stores in an hour and repeated this process at all of them. And a week later I start receiving credit cards.....
It's a surprisingly common scam (or it was), brought on entirely by the shops bring pushed to get people to sign up for credit cards.....
I had to be on a register for several years, so if anyone tried to open an account or take out credit in my name, I would get a phone call to check if it was actually me.
Your world was shattered and you need a new baseline. One of the (many, many) painful elements of transitioning relationships is loss of routine. It feels like shit because when you hit that old routine, you give yourself a dose of pain as you’re reminded of your reality. Recognize that right now, your previous life is gone and routines need updated.
How do you think about things? I’m a visual, hands on, person. If it were me, I’d grab my digital notebook and start planning.
I need to plan the big beats of the day, and then let the other variables guide me.
I’d break it into three sections: My morning routine, afternoon, and evening.
How are important things like meals and work tackled? Don’t just think about these things, live them! Mentally think about work on Monday. Did your ex give you a ride? You need a new routine. Did they pack your lunch? You need a new routine. Did they cook dinner? Etc.
Finally, how do these routines change for the weekend? 3 more paths.
Good luck. This isn’t easy and it feels like shit. I hope anything I said is helpful.
DM me directly if you have and specific questions or want to share personal details that aren’t appropriate in a forum setting.
On my wedding night, one of my vendors decided to go on a shopping spree with my credit card. I guess he hoped that there would be so many charges that I wouldn’t notice. I didn’t remember shopping for car parts while I was saying “I do”. Credit card refunded the charges. I actually got them the address that the purchases were shipped to but they didn’t care.
About 20 years ago I spent about $2k on a piece of electronic music gear on eBay. I was just out of university and this was a huge sum for me. It soon turned out that it was a fraudulent listing. This guy had gotten access to his girlfriend’s eBay account and posted a bunch of high value auctions and stole the money. A bunch of us victims were in touch and commiserating about our bad fortune. However, this story has a happy ending. The police got involved and were able to recover the money!
Some great comments below, but i also wanted to add that i think it depends on how open and honest one is. For example, it happens quite frequently that i change my view on something, because someone (usually one of my adult kids) points out certain things that i didn’t know or thought about. And then i can just apologize and tell them they are right. It keeps me humble and open to other viewpoints or scientific facts that i didn’t know or consider. If someone just kindly points something out to me, that makes it easy to apologize. But if people are hostile and tell you you’re wrong in an aggressive way, then it would be pretty hard to admit you hadn’t thought of that.
But from what i see, there are a lot of people who just don’t want to seem dumb, or are extremely set in their ways, and they will never admit that they were wrong or that there are different ways to see or understand something. Rather, they become angry, or grumble, or change the subject.
Add to this, I don’t know how far back but the Boomers, Silent and Greatest Gen all were brought up on a strict “respect your elders” mindset which by the time it got to the boomers is “I am Older therefore always right by default and how DARE you try to correct me!!”
This is also why world governments especially USA is full of geriatrics because old people don’t vote for anyone younger than them (if there is a choice) because they don’t want a goddamn whippersnapper telling them what to do. The most stubborn kind of old person that is.
And man, they got pissed when the rest of us collectively learned that just being Old doesn’t mean shit. The boomers had to bend the knee HARD to their parents authority or they get insta slapped. So they expect, or demand their kids/young people in general treat them the same as it’s their Turn now.
But instead we learned they can be wrong and being Old doesn’t mean infallible. And they hates it… BIG MAD they are!. They cope and seethe and mald all over the internet and at the polls. We are literally living in a Baby Boomer tantrum cuz young people will not “respect” them as they were forced to do their parents. Yeah just growing old doesn’t mean shit you gotta back that with experience now. Like Nazis whom only thing to be proud of is being Pale.
I’m not that young myself anymore, and i definitely recognize my very strict upbringing you mentioned, but in my view respect needs to be earned. And not once, but over and over again because people change. Seeing most political leaders being very old white men makes me cringe. They often just don’t understand the modern world. Just an example; they make decisions about cybersecurity while i’m convinced they don’t know the first thing about it. They probably rely heavily on their advisors and just echo what they say would be best.
deeper than that. a lot of people's entire identity/value gets wrapped up in patently false beliefs. and being wrong about that means they are wrong as a person.
that is why so many yahoos have this 'or die' dedication to complete nonsensical beliefs and become violent when those beliefs are challenged.
Yes, definitely. Another thing that comes to mind, reading your reply, is that people surround themselves with like minded people. That can be a good thing, or very bad.
You always have a choice. Just stay informed, surround yourself with wholesome people, and be willing to change your views if needed. I don’t think you become a certain way just because you age.
One time someone booked a European vacation using my debit card number. My bank didn’t catch it, but I called their fraud department and got it sorted out.
Another time the same bank blocked my card when I tried to make a purchase at Best Buy on Black Friday. They’re really bad at fraud detection.
In my sophomore year at college I needed to add a “filler” class to have something to do in campus between my two “real” classes. I chose to take Logic and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. Not only was it interesting, it helped me think and analyze arguments. I am pretty sure there are universities that give you free access to the course but it wouldn’t surprise me if you can find logic courses for free on YouTube as well.
Same here. I write software for a living, but my philosophy logic course was gave me a huge lead as the ability to deconstructe what people say into logic blocks is the first step of writing code.
My ex-gf was almost victim to one of the Nintedo Switch selling sites when there was a shortage. They constantly changed domains and had it really professional looking, but buying anything from scalpers is risky especially when it looks too good to be true like that.
Avoid being out in the midday sun. If you do, try to walk in the shade as much as possible.
If your windows have external shades close them down when the sun is hitting that side of the house/appartment so that the heating up of objects from the sunlight happens outside not inside.
Wear shorts/skirts and loose clothes of thin textites that don’t retain much heat (such as cotton).
If you’re going to be out for long periods, bring water, ideally cold water.
Sure, if you have AC or, even better, a swiming pool, it’s a lot easier to keep cool, but these suggestions will work even for those who can’t afford those things.
I recommend getting a metal water bottle and carrying that around when you’re sightseeing or any activity that keeps you outside in the sun for long.
Also I personally never noticed any extra sweating when drinking cold water versus ambient temperature water, and I live in Portugal were we regularly get 40C or more in August. Generally, if it’s hot enough you’ll sweat more simply from the heat (as sweating is a natural cooling mechanism) even if all you drink is plain tap water. Sure, if you don’t drink water you’ll sweat less, as you’re getting dehydrated so the body will cut down on that.
Were did you learn that specific piece of information about cold water making people sweat more?
There's this app called cranky uncle and it goes through things like this and then helps to you learn how to identify them. It was developed by a university researchers in Australia with the aim of improving people's ability to recognise misinformation
I was too embarrassed to be upset lol. Plus I was like 19? The ticket lady hooked me up. I couldn’t afford another ticket at the time. I think she got me credit and I paid the difference.
I did the same thing! My mom had booked the flights for us and I thought we were flying back on Friday. She had booked Thursday instead so when I called to check-in the flight had already left. The agent was really cagey about it too and didn’t outright tell me the flight left that day. Weird and expensive af and now I’ve got a lifelong complex.
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