What is the most unhelpful advice you have received?
I’ll go first: “You have to have children when you’re young,” told to me when I was in my late 20s, with no desire to ever have kids, and no means to support them, by someone divorced multiple times with at least one adult child who does not speak to them.
Also: Responding to “How do I deal with this problem?” questions with “Oh, don’t worry about it, it’s enough that you’re even thinking about it!”
“Try again.” Particularly involving schoolwork. Derelict teachers then complained when the result of trying again would be identical, to the letter, for the same reasons as the first time. But teach? They did not.
Just be yourself also is good advice. Not that it will always be successful in advancing the relationship. But it will be less stressful for you and prevent you from wasting years of your life with someone who only likes you for your fake personality.
If you have a horrible personality work on that so just being yourself doesn’t mean being an asshole. Even then though at least anyone getting into the relationship will know that ahead of time and not after the divorce.
Our concept of self is more fluid than most people realise, and we will often be very different in different social groups. We might not even notice this until those social groups collide. Each version of yourself is no more or less “you” than any other.
Thanks for the quality comment. It really is difficult to define since the sense of self is just a concept to begin with.
By being yourself, I would take that to mean being true to your intentions, interests, and general demeanor in the moment. All those can change with time.
Avoiding things like pretending to be interested in sports, pretending to hate comics, pretending to be a “player”, pretending to be overly macho, hiding politics, etc are all things that I have seen people do. If your interests change that’s normal but I wouldn’t recommend feigning things that are untrue for you in the moment.
I think aspiring for self improvement would still count as being true to yourself if you genuinely want to improve.
Is it not? If a relationship forms out of you not being yourself then that’s not healthy. Although you would have to be not-yourself constantly and at that point doesn’t that not-yourself become yourself?
Is this a “be the change you want to see in the world” kinda thing?
Ah yes, my ADHD ass will just magically find this focus thing you speak of instead of the long and brutal process of finding the right combination of meds and therapy. Problem solved. /s
Seems to be the case for most mental ailments. It’s hard for some people to grasp that other people experience life completely differently. It took me a long time and some very patient people to finally teach me that.
I have a very progressive siblings who is very pro-mental health and all that, but she never fails to mention how “those meds are so bad for you!” Yeah. I mean… I guess. The alternative is me being unable to care for myself. But whatever.
“Try exercising!”
Cool, I’d do that if my brain didn’t confine me to my bed for 18 hours without meds.
People just. don’t. get it. And they need to acknowledge that they don’t. It’s fine!! Just don’t try to act like we’re on the same level playing field. We’re not!
Cool, I’d do that if my brain didn’t confine me to my bed for 18 hours without meds.
Is that what that is? I’m in my 40s and trying to get diagnosed, and the possible ADHD has got worse over the last few years. I’ve gone through periods of weeks where I’m really struggling to get out of bed, and they coincide with each other.
Depression is also a condition that can cause this. Get a full health screening before you go fully looking into a diagnosis, but definitely keep it in mind if, physically, things turn up normal.
Also keep in mind that depression & anxiety can be comorbid with ADHD, which can often lead to frustrating misdiagnosis and being put onto medications that may not work quote right (if you choose to go that route). Hell, I’ve been told that “[you] don’t have ADHD – it’s trauma! PTSD!” As if the constant invalidatation of my condition wasn’t one of the reasons in part that led to my mistreatment and development of PTSD.
I hope that you are able to get answers soon and have things improve!
Agreed, also people need to know how literal having “poor mental health” is. The margin you have for extra load or bad things happening is so much smaller. Similar to how an unexpected bill will be shoulder shrug for someone with good economy and a disaster for someone with bad economy.
Oh yes, such as “just form good habits”…
Sorry, I’m incapable of making habits.
Or “think how good it will feel when you’re done”.
Sorry, best I can do is feel enough anxiety over not having done the thing that it will outweigh the anxiety I feel regarding doing the thing".
And if you’re really “lucky” it turns into PDA, “pathological demand avoidance” or as I prefer to call it “pervasive drive for autonomy”. Worst case you enter fight or flight mode due to any demands on you. My feeling is that it’s a understandable reaction to the feelings of anxiety demands have pushed on you over the years.
When I would have a problem with my body like shoulder impingement and ask for advice, I would often be told by people “nah, you’re too young too have that”
Hey, what did you end up doing about that? I allegedly have one in my left shoulder and the doctor is acting like there’s not really anything I can do about it.
I had quite bad impingement from months of poor exercise selection at the gym. Changed the routine to be balanced internal/external rotation, did 1/2 above 1-2 times a day. Took a few months but now it’s completely better. I still do the stretching as a prehab now.
It bugs me when told “nothing you can do” what they really mean is “the problem is chronic so the recovery will take a long time. Patient compliance is often very low and most people won’t last the months required for a solution so I’m not going to waste my time. I can help more people if I focus my efforts elsewhere.” If you’re willing to put in the time, you can fix this. And I suggest you do, if you do nothing impingement inflames each time it happens, decreasing the space in your shoulder, increasing the likelihood, etc.
And not me directly, but some years ago when my friend and I were both desperately seeking work, and running up against the “you need experience to get a job to gain experience” conundrum. His mentor told him to stop being so precious, and get a boring corporate job with a pension, maybe one that would pay his law school tuition. It wasn’t a thing yet, but wow, it would have been the perfect time to reply, “OK, Boomer.”
That’s like when they tell you to “pound the pavement” and ask to speak to the manager when you bring back your hard copy job application in person. It’s hard to even continue a conversation with someone who’s that out of touch.
I was in a “troubled youth” cult for many years. “Unhelpful advise” is an understatement compared to the heaps of fear-driven doctrines and rituals we had to follow, lest be homeless. I could go on for days about this topic, but the biggest “unhelpful advice” was to cut all of my childhood friends from my life completely, on the basis of “my own good.” I am now a virtual stranger to them, and although I’ve somewhat made amends, nothing will ever make up for our lost years.
My dad once told me that if my relationship with god was good, my grades would take care of themselves. I know what he meant was, “if you do the things god wants you to do, you’ll also be doing well in school”, but it’s still horrible advice.
More recently, my mother-in-law has been saying to my wife that she wishes that my wife could have faith in god’s plan because it just helps her in own life so much. I always roll my eyes at this. If there is a god, and he has a plan, his plan sucks ass and he plays favorites for sure.
Simple suggestions like this are shit advice at the surface, but they often are the answer in the end. You have to dig and find that internal will to realize them.
Easier said than done, though, so maybe take some drugs to just stop worrying.
I mean, good advice if it’s for someone who’s prone to build codependent relationships. Which still, no one but a professional therapist should be diagnosing.
That doesn’t really say much though. “Never use cement to fill a pillow” is also crappy advice for someone that feels lonely but can be considered very good advice for someone thats considering filling their pillow with cement.
I think it can be helpful as a first sentence, but it needs more. “By loving yourself, I mean treat yourself better. Get a style and work it. Work out occasionally. Eat better. Find a hobby. Find another. If you want somebody else to love you, you have to first take care of yourself or nobody will think you could take care of them. Secondly, you have to make yourself into a person that’s interesting because anybody can be nice. You need more than nice. Third, having a life is how you meet people, and you gotta meet 'em before you can ask 'em out. That’s why you have to love yourself first.”
Gee. Thanks “doctor” for your advice. Obviously I’m going to listen to you after you watched a three minute YouTube video and not the doctor with six years of medical training and education!
“Do something that you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.”
Bullshit. I worked in the video game industry in a field I’m very passionate about with great people who were all talented. But the industry burned me out and almost killed my passion for games as a hobby with the endless unpaid overtime, constant crunch and deadlines, fairly low wage and all that investment was rewarded by eventually being let go along with all the less senior staff because our studio was bought out and the parent company told to cut expenses.
Don’t work for the video game industry, people. Make indie games by all means. But stay clear of the big names.
I have always hated that advice. While exceptions exist, there is no faster way to burn yourself out on something you love than making a career out of it. I generally do like my work (IT) now, but a lot if that is because I actively try to not even look in the direction of a computer when I am not in the office. I probably consume less tech/IT industry news now than I did before I worked in the field.
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