What are your experiences with polyamory, first or second hand?

I personally am in a phenomenally stable polyamorous relationship. I’ve been married to my wife for 12 years, and she has had the same boyfriend for about half of that time. It’s a really fulfilling arrangement for all of us in various ways. We’re all genuinely happy and satisfied. I’m kind of casually looking for a boyfriend of my own.

But I feel like I only hear negative stories about other poly experiences. It’s always unstable people and situations. It’s always two out of three people happy at most. Surely there are other success stories out there, and I just hear the disasters because they’re more memorable and fun to tell. Does anyone else have or know a polyamory success story?

EDIT: This blew up a little while I was asleep. I promise I’m at least reading every comment.

EDIT 2.0: ngl I did not expect the trope of polyamory to fix a struggling relationship would be so real. We did just the opposite and are both baffled. Don’t use volitility to fight the volitility.

FinallyDebunked,
@FinallyDebunked@slrpnk.net avatar

you’re delusional

LegionEris,

With those two words polyamory, a practice as old as humanity and in every corner of the world, has been… FINALLY DEBUNKED! I can’t believe I was here for the destruction of a lifestyle!

FinallyDebunked, (edited )
@FinallyDebunked@slrpnk.net avatar

It always fascinates me how eagerly people grasp at the most absurd ideas, if it allows them to evade unpleasant reality

LegionEris, (edited )

it always fascinates me how eagerly no life losers seek and lash out at people, if it allows them to feel better about themselves

FinallyDebunked,
@FinallyDebunked@slrpnk.net avatar

oh you got offended i see

LegionEris,

No I just thought it was funny that you actually came back. Mimicking your formatting was a bit of a joke, see. Watch, I’ll do it again!

oh you got no punctuation i see

tjhart85,
@tjhart85@kbin.social avatar

My wife and I have been poly for going on a decade now and my girlfriend has been part of the equation since damn near the beginning.

My wife, girlfriend & I all jointly own our home together and things have been great!

I (male, cis-het) don't date outside the two of them (I don't have that kind of time!) ... both of the ladies have other partners though, mostly with the goal of them being long term, but like most relationships (poly or mono) they generally fizzle out for one reason or another. Wife has a partner that's been pretty stable for almost a year though and girlfriend has a LDR that's been strong for 5ish years.

We've all "come out" to our family and friends long ago, mostly with no blowback. I am not close with people at my current job, so they don't know, but, I also use the words 'wife' and 'girlfriend' so if they haven't picked up on it, it's not because I'm omitting, I'm just not telling people that don't need to know about my personal life the specifics about my personal life.

If you were to judge monogamy by the shit that pops up in relationship advice threads, people would have a bad impression of it as well!

____,

If you were to judge monogamy by the shit that pops up in relationship advice threads, people would have a bad impression of it as well!

That’s the truth.

My day job is FinTech/tax adjacent, so I have to give you collectively (and your collective web of relationships) credit for making the home ownership work. The overwhelming majority of humans can’t make tenants in common between two people work.

Personally, I’'m not particularly close with my family for other reasons, so being ‘out’ isn’t a real concern - given a wife and girlfriend in that long-term context, I’d write the requisite will / medical POA to be fair, and to ensure that blood relatives aren’t executing either.

I’m somewhat close with folks at work, but I WFH for a company that’s fairly progressive. One of the people I started with recently asked us to address them in a specific way, and I couldn’t be happier for them. If I called my boss “Joe,” and they asked me to call them “Mr. Smith”, that’s no different.

I very much like your strategy of “truthful but no obvious” There isn’t a need at work for a full-fledged explanation of my home life, but I also work with good people who don’t blink at the miscellaneous terms I (or they) use to describe the people who are important to us. That’s how it’s supposed to work - we all share what we feel comfortable with, and other people share in our joys/sorrows regarding the same. Only the level of detail changes, really.

Wiz,

I’m curious about the sleeping arrangement. Do you sleep in the same bed with one more than the other? Or different beds? No judgment, just curious.

tjhart85,
@tjhart85@kbin.social avatar

I switch between the two beds. We'll occasionally all pile into one King size bed, but, at least one person doesn't get a good night's sleep when we do, so, it's not an all the time kind of thing for us.

fubo, (edited )

My housemates are poly and pretty happy about it.

It’s a bit of a logic puzzle:

  • I live in a house with A, B, and C.
  • A and B are married.
  • B is also dating J, who lives in a big complicated house with lots of people, including their partner K.
  • Separately, C is dating X.
  • X is married to Y; X is also dating Z.
  • I don’t know Y or K well enough to know if they have other partners, but I suspect so.
  • No, I am not dating anyone on this list.

As far as I’m aware, there’s no current polycule link between AB and C; nor between any of them and me.

Everyone in this list is in their 30s or 40s, and almost all are some flavor of queer; at least two are also trans. There are no kids in the picture, although we know other poly people in the neighborhood who do have kids.

It’s all quite cheerful and civilized. Compersion is totally a thing. Also, fortunately people’s food preferences aren’t complicated when everyone’s over for dinner. If anybody starts dating someone who doesn’t like mushrooms, that’s gonna be a problem.

controlshiftn,

Dammit I don’t care what you get up to with who, I just want to know how many people I’m cooking for.

0x4E4F,

Please keep it civil, no under the table touching.

AlolanYoda, (edited )

How is your own dating life affected by this? Are you mono? Are the people you date weirded out or put off by this arrangement at all?

Also, I need this turned into a diagram!

fubo,

I’m not at the moment, but if I were dating, it would be within a poly-friendly social context. I’m not in this space by accident; it’s actually what makes sense to me.

LegionEris,

I should really think more about compersion. It’s an idea that I think and talk about frequently, but it’s a term my brain hasn’t yet held for the long term. But I have huge amounts of compersion. I get so excited when good things happen to the people I care about. Our polyamory thrives on how happy it makes me to see my wife in that happy, lovey way with someone. I am just as delighted that my best friend was recently promoted to AM as I am that I was promoted to key lead with her. Compersion is a big part of my life that I should give more space and respect to express itself.

redbr64,
@redbr64@lemmy.world avatar

It took me until this deep in the thread to realize compersion wasn’t a typo lol. Thanks for introducing me to a new term

LegionEris,

Ngl I had to look it up to be sure. I was correct, but I wasn’t confident.

TheDoozer,

I’ll tell you what. When I was young, the idea of (ethically) dating more than one person seemed interesting and exciting.

I’m 40, and just reading about X’s part in this had me recoiling in horror at the amount of work it would be to be married and dating two other people. I hope they’re unemployed or part time, because those relationships sound like a full-time job.

bandario,
@bandario@lemmy.dbzer0.com avatar

My thoughts exactly. It just seems like SO MUCH WORK. It’s difficult enough balancing a career, children and keeping one relationship healthy.

SkyeStarfall, (edited )

It sounds like it. But in practice? Not really?

As that’s assuming every partner gets the same amount of attention as in a mono relationship, but your partner(s) has other partners, they can hang out with someone else when you are busy or need some time for yourself. How much time you spend with your partner(s) is very flexible.

In fact, in my polycule, people tend to actually get more alone time, because you are not the sole person fulfilling your partner’s romantic needs. It’s remarkably flexible, and, while it may need some planning and/or making sure you tend to your relationships, in my case it feels remarkably straightforward and freeing.

It’s a thing I like a lot, actually. Not feeling like I am the sole person responsible for someone’s romantic needs. It lifts a fair amount of stress off of me.

This flexibility means you can tune a lot of things, into what works for everyone.

mrmacduggan, (edited )

I recently attended a polyamorous wedding where one pair of individuals in the polycule were formalizing their individual bond/commitment to each other (but both still remaining in the larger structure of the 5-6 person polyromantic/polyamorous constellation.) It was cute! All the other members of the group walked the bride and groom down the aisle and gave cute best-man-style speeches instead of a religious ceremony.

I enjoyed the event and they all seemed really happy.

____,

I can’t help but think that this sort of mutual celebration would solve a variety of problems that humans experience.

“I love this person, and I commit not only to them, but to those important to them.”

That makes a great deal of sense to me

thezeesystem,

Everyone always going to polyamory because of a bad relationship in there monogamous relationship is why there’s so much bad negativity about it.

It’s just consenting adults who love each other.

Still have the same drama and problems of monogamous relationships. But more problems and less problems, yet slightly different ,The same with anything

I shall say this though. DO NOT ADD ANOTHER PERSON BECAUSE OF YOUR FAILING RELATIONSHIP. it won’t work. Ever.

I would want to add more but it’s so incredibly much my brain can’t process and type that much.

LegionEris,

DO NOT ADD ANOTHER PERSON BECAUSE OF YOUR FAILING RELATIONSHIP

It’s insane to me that this apparently must be said by multiple people with massive emphasis. We only considered this because our relationship was and still is so strong. We just met really young and have a lot of love to give. I don’t want to lose my wife or have had only one great romance in my life. She didn’t want marrying a woman to mean she would never experience men again. So we share the incredible bounty of love in which we live.

____,

I’m a bit older than my wife, but your point rings true - we also met fairly young, and went through some stuff. That’s probably a meaningful part of how and why we are who we are.

Meeting my wife fairly young meant that I got the raw, unfiltered version of her feelings and was able to compare/contrast that with my behavior - and improve it. That led to trust allowing discussion of involving others, and an understanding that neither of us is going anywhere / associated trust.

thezeesystem,

My general rules in a polyamorous relationship. Well guidelines as rules are so just off putting. But as long as it’s consensual equitable and pleasurable for all involved, it’s ok.

____,

While I wouldn’t necessarily go to bed with all of them, there are a number of people who have deeply impacted my life in distinct ways, and from whom I have learned a great deal. Hell, I don’t even like all of them, but that doesn’t mean they’re not a meaningful part of my life.

Agree with your take on adding another person to solve problems - always a terrible idea.

My idea of ‘consenting adults’ has morphed significantly between, say, 21 and… my current age. Even the subsets of ‘consent’ and ‘adult’ have morphed. But at the end of the day, honesty is all that we have.

I adore spending time with my wife - whether we’re ‘doing’ something’ together, or doing individual things we can talk about later.

Poly means never running out of topics of conversation, or ways to understand each other.

‘Why her?’ really means 'Our relationship evolves, as all relationship should, what interest you about her and how can I support you?"

That “how can I support you?” question is critical, and we’ve been married long enough that I never doubt the legitimacy of the question.

KISSmyOS,

I dated a woman who was polyamorous and I was fine with it.
When she found someone else she was also interested in, she asked me if that was an issue, but I was still fine with it.
The other guy wasn’t fine with it.
She chose to stay with him and dumped me.

morphballganon,

Sounds like she wasn’t really polyamorous. She was just dating around.

____,

That sounds like someone who was exploring, and I offer my sympathy / empathy.

Poly is a choice. Handling disagreement/drama is a choice. Hell, which issues I choose to lose my mind over is a choice.

My model is disclosure and honesty, unfortunately, not everyone behaves that way / is sincere.

I sincerely hope that you’ve found the right types of connections for you and yours.

morphballganon,

I’ve been poly for over a decade. Met my now-wife at a poly event.

Other partners have come and gone for each of us.

A lot of people like to blame non-monogamy for issues between individuals, but, like, if some people can make poly work, that tells me whatever issues were likely caused by problematic individuals, not by polyamory.

____,

Thanks for the input - I agree that poly isn’t the problem, people are the problem.

This particular person had to learn the hard way how to say ‘I love you, I will not leave you, and with that in mind, I’d like to fuck _____’ More difficult than it seems, but hardly a torpedo to the relationship - barring a random announcement out of nowhere.

intensely_human,

I was involved in a nonconsensual, clandestine polyamorous relationship once. It sucked, broke my fucking heart.

BaronVonBort,

That’s not polyamory, friend. That’s called cheating.

LegionEris,

It didn’t involve the assistant manager of a cheap motel, did it? I guess if you were the person I know who had that experience, you’d probably recognize my name and story.

intensely_human,

As far as I’m aware in included a fitness instructor and a mechanical engineer. There may have been a motel manager in there somewhere that I just never learned about.

LadyLikesSpiders,

I’m monogamous myself, but personally know two different polyamorous relationships. 1 is pretty damn good, and the other is rife with drama. Besides that, I tangentially know of others, and all of those are rough, though since I’m hearing of these from mutual friends and acquaintances, I could just be getting the juicy drama and none of the good parts. Could very well be that my info on those are bad

It does seem to mirror the general expectation, though, that most are unstable, and I wouldn’t call it surprising. Relationships are complicated, and anything that has more moving parts is going to be more complicated. I’m not trying to suggest here that monogamy is the way to go by any means–different people have different wants and needs, and some people are just good for polyamory. I just think that a working arrangement like this is tough to pull off

Besides, this gets asked a lot about polyamorous relationships, but there are so many fucked heteronormative relationships, and you never see the argument that monogamy is wrong, so yeah. Just whatever makes you happy

BananaTrifleViolin,

True although I think most relationships are unstable and have drama particularly when young, which is why people can move through so many. Most people have multiple relationships in their lives until they find someone that works (or keep going). That's seen as normal.

I think there is a bias when people look at poly relationships as they seem novel and if they fail it's easy to say it was because it was poly. But if a 2 partner relationship fails it's "normal" and we accept all the reasons like "I didntnlove them anymore" or "we grew apart" etc.

captainlezbian,

There’s also the fact that in polyamory ending is not necessarily a failure for a relationship. Monogamy has an expectation of forever or certain circumstances. But in polyamory it’s sometimes acknowledged that a casual relationship can end in everyone having gotten everything they wanted out of it and deciding to move on.

LadyLikesSpiders,

Yeah, I just think the poly relationship has more places where things can go wrong. In a monogamous one, you need to two people who like each other and are compatible. In a poly, even with only 3 people, you need A and B to be compatible, A and C, and C and B. Adding one extra person into the mix complicates the relationship 3-fold depending on the nature of those relationships. They don’t all have to be in a relationship with one another, but you’re still adding more avenues for drama and collapse in one relationship, not to mention how one relationship could impact the other. If A is having drama with C, the frustration of that failing connection could also impact their relationship with B. I think it’s easier to fail not by any sort of moral failing of polyamorous people, only that the nature of those relationships is inherently less stable through its myriad of moving parts

But there is for sure an element of bias, where heteronormativity gets a pass for being the standard

captainlezbian,

Yeah you can hold a bad traditional relationship together with duct tape and societal expectations indefinitely. You shouldn’t but there’s no kaboom or juicy details. Polyamory has more room for the failure to be catastrophic instead of a slow long decay to a couple snidely commenting on each other in a retirement home.

TheDoozer,

Most of the heteronormative relationships I’ve known of or experienced were rife with drama and problems, so I would assume poly relationships would be, too. Even if the rate is the same, you’ll be at least twice as likely to end up with a shitty relationship in a poly relationship (with at least one partner), right?

Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with poly relationships, only that there’s plenty wrong with people.

vagrantprodigy, (edited )

My wife and I are poly. Neither of us have found a long term person yet (Wife isn’t really looking because she is graysexual and doesn’t really want any additional deep emotional connections), but we’ve met a few great people who probably could have worked but for one or two incompatibilities. I’ve seen enough over the past two years to see that it definitely can work.

LegionEris,

Wife isn’t really looking because she is graysexual and doesn’t really want any additional deep emotional connections

This kinda describes my wife’s boyfriend’s wife. (That was just fun to type out) Basically, because of the place and way she was raised, she didn’t understand that she was ace until she had two kids, and her sex life continued to exist. She was/is more or less done with that part of her life. She has two kids and a husband and a home, and that’s why she was having sex to begin with. As long as she has those things, she doesn’t care that her husband does things she does not enjoy with some other women. She’s happy with the way her life is. Plz don’t make her add sex back into the equation.

vagrantprodigy,

Poly was actually my wife’s idea for many of the reasons you list above. It’s not just sex though, my wife is also not a touchy feely person, and I am, as she calls me, a cuddle monster. Thankfully we are good at communicating and deeply love each other, and so were able to navigate all of this without arguing, yelling, etc…

tron,

deleted_by_author

    •
    healer_56,

    OP specifically asks for a success story and you post this ? why ?

    tron,

    deleted_by_author

    •
    LegionEris,

    I upvoted you. I asked for experiences. I was hoping for success stories, but I came into this understanding that most people don’t have them. If literally nobody on Lemmy but me had a good polyamory story, that would be valid and wouldn’t discourage me.

    controlshiftn,

    God, this thread is a breath of fresh air. Every time the topic came up on reddit, you had the same core of bitter whiny losers reciting the same archetype of the rejected and resentful guy stuck at home while his GF was out ‘cheating’ on him, and insisting that this was the reality in every single case.

    LegionEris,

    Omg yes. This is the primary discussion of polyamory, and it drives me crazy. None of that common description looks like my life.

    lemann,

    I’m mono myself, but it’s nice to read various experiences here of poly relationships.

    I personally think i’m too selfish to survive in a poly environment though, and also I’m not really that interesting of a person in general - preferring time alone mostly.

    Poly requires a ton of trust and communication, so for me it would fall down quickly with the wrong kind of partner(s)… especially as it takes me a while to trust others

    LegionEris,

    I actually consider myself a selfish person. But I experience huge amounts of compersion. It makes me so happy when good things happen to the people I care about. It’s selfish of me to want more than one partner and to revel in my wife’s other relationship. But I’ll be damned if senseless or traditional moralizing is going to stop me from being or making people happy.

    erranto,

    Genuine question. Shouldn’t there be love between you and her boyfriend for it to be polyamory ? otherwise isn’t it just polygamy ?

    IWantToFuckSpez, (edited )

    Polygamy means being married to multiple people, so no it wouldn’t be called polygamy. Gamos is Greek for marriage.

    erranto,

    My understanding is that, If one partner is in a relationship with more than one partner it is polygamy

    while if all the partners are in a relationship will all the other partners then it is polyamory

    I never considered marriage as a prerequisite for polygamy . because many people are polygamous even in states where polygamous marriages are outlawed.

    matter,

    Then your understanding of these terms is wrong. Polyamory refers to people having multiple relationships (consensually), that’s it.

    Astongt615,

    So there’s no term distinction between people with multiple separate relationships and those who’s relationships are all mutual/shared?

    vagrantprodigy,

    There are different terms inside of polyamory, but all of it falls into the polyamory bucket.

    matter, (edited )

    There is, but they all come under the umbrella of polyamory. There’s lots of sub categories like “parallel” (where someone’s partners don’t have much or any contact with each other), “kitchen table” where they’re not in a relationship but do talk a lot about scheduling etc, might be friends, and then where everyone is in the same relationship or has independent relationships between everyone in a group. But lots of people use lots of different terms for those things.

    BananaTrifleViolin,

    Polygamy does mean marriages but has been missed because people didn't have better alternative words. "Menage a trois" is another term not needing marriage but has connotations to some of being mostly sexual and also only cover 3 people.

    Polyamory as a word wasn't really widely used until the 90s and it's only really become mainstream in the last maybe 10 years?

    Polyamory is much more precise and correct than polygamy.for describing relationships outside marriage. Polygamy is also a legal term very specifically related to marriage laws.

    hemko,

    Back when me and my wife started dating, it was a long distance relationship and we agreed that it’s OK if we see other people too. Neither of us did, but I feel like “expanding relationship” should only happen when your primary deal is in healthy state and not to try fix issues in it by dating someone else.

    TheBananaKing,

    Yep, ‘opening up’ to fix a bad relationship is as terrible an idea as having a child to fix one.

    Poly relationships are fine and great and positive, but they absolutely need a solid, healthy foundation to rest on.

    captainlezbian,

    Yeah the way I like to describe that is that nonmonogamy can solve relationship problems but only the ones caused by needing nonmonogamy. Alternatively learning poly philosophies has done wonders for some monogamous people I know. They may not get compersion from a partner seeing someone else, but they do have the words to recognize and appreciate the happiness of being a loved one’s joy. And they communicate great too.

    snownyte,
    @snownyte@kbin.social avatar

    I've been in like, 3 or 4 of them so far. I can really see the value in a poly relationship but I find it, that it's incredibly challenging to maintain much less establish one. All of the ones I've been in, was where the individual wanting or orchestrating the poly relationship, was just a flat out cheater who wanted more than they can handle. My limit is no more than 2 other partners. The people I kept finding myself with, practically wanted like several partners too many and it just complicated things.

    I'm open to being in a good one but I really don't know nor would I know anything or anyone that'd want a good stable poly relationship.

    BananaTrifleViolin,

    It sounds like the person you were with would have been better off in an open relationship with someone.rather than labelling it as polyamory or want to pursue polyamory?

    I've not been in a ployamerous relationship myself but I'd imagine the hardest part is the time and effort needed to maintain your relationship with each partner?

    I could see 2 partners being doable but hard work, but once you go beyond that, then it must get very difficult? Especially if you don't all live together as juggling full time work around making the time and space to maintain very close personal relationships must be very hard.

    And my mind boggles when you get to pplyamorpus "networks" where 2 partners may have relationships with other people rather than a shared 3rd partner. I think it would take a lot of honesty and maturity to make that work long term. I don't think I'd be capable of that.

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