What are your experiences with polyamory, first or second hand?

I personally am in a phenomenally stable polyamorous relationship. I’ve been married to my wife for 12 years, and she has had the same boyfriend for about half of that time. It’s a really fulfilling arrangement for all of us in various ways. We’re all genuinely happy and satisfied. I’m kind of casually looking for a boyfriend of my own.

But I feel like I only hear negative stories about other poly experiences. It’s always unstable people and situations. It’s always two out of three people happy at most. Surely there are other success stories out there, and I just hear the disasters because they’re more memorable and fun to tell. Does anyone else have or know a polyamory success story?

EDIT: This blew up a little while I was asleep. I promise I’m at least reading every comment.

EDIT 2.0: ngl I did not expect the trope of polyamory to fix a struggling relationship would be so real. We did just the opposite and are both baffled. Don’t use volitility to fight the volitility.

hemko,

Back when me and my wife started dating, it was a long distance relationship and we agreed that it’s OK if we see other people too. Neither of us did, but I feel like “expanding relationship” should only happen when your primary deal is in healthy state and not to try fix issues in it by dating someone else.

TheBananaKing,

Yep, ‘opening up’ to fix a bad relationship is as terrible an idea as having a child to fix one.

Poly relationships are fine and great and positive, but they absolutely need a solid, healthy foundation to rest on.

captainlezbian,

Yeah the way I like to describe that is that nonmonogamy can solve relationship problems but only the ones caused by needing nonmonogamy. Alternatively learning poly philosophies has done wonders for some monogamous people I know. They may not get compersion from a partner seeing someone else, but they do have the words to recognize and appreciate the happiness of being a loved one’s joy. And they communicate great too.

KepBen,

My wife and I talked about it a lot before deciding we were both cool with the other having safe and responsible adventures. In over a decade it has never caused us any grief. Communication is essential and if your relationship isn’t “stable” IMO it suggests a real communication problem - adding unrelated complications to the dynamic will never solve those.

ShroOmeric,

Personally I’ve only heard of very sad stories. Two out of three at best as you said, when not even one out of three. Of course, statistically it must work for someone. Call yourself lucky. :)

drmoose,

I’ve never seen a healthy poly relationship and I’ve seen many but I still think that it could work given the right circumstances. People already suck at handling a single relationship so statistically handling more is just significantly more difficult not to mention all the externals like community and society as whole.

LegionEris,

People already suck at handling a single relationship so statistically handling more is just significantly more difficult

I guess that’s a fair point. My wife and I were the stable thing in each other’s lives for years before this started. We have a love that can’t be stopped and have navigated more together than most couples ever will. Neither of us would have considered a second partner if we thought it could have weakened our foundational relationship. That is what has freed us to have these experiences.

cosmicsoup,
@cosmicsoup@lemmy.blahaj.zone avatar

I have 2 serious partners and I couldn’t be happier! These are the healthiest and most fulfilling relationships I’ve ever had. I love the freedom and autonomy that polyamory affords all of us. Since realizing I’m polyamorous, things have really fallen into place. It just feels right for me.

gaiussabinus,

All of my experiences are from the outside looking in.

  1. was super destructive with a single domineering individual that led to a divorce and a suicide.
  2. was fantasy fulfillment and led to a great deal of strife.
  3. was kinda positive in that it lasted until the one partner passed and the relationship sorta dissolved. Which is sad but understandable.

So outside of highschool i have seen 3 kicks at the can with only one “success”. The failed relationships did so in spectacular fashion which is why i know far more about them due to their violence.

LadyLikesSpiders,

I’m monogamous myself, but personally know two different polyamorous relationships. 1 is pretty damn good, and the other is rife with drama. Besides that, I tangentially know of others, and all of those are rough, though since I’m hearing of these from mutual friends and acquaintances, I could just be getting the juicy drama and none of the good parts. Could very well be that my info on those are bad

It does seem to mirror the general expectation, though, that most are unstable, and I wouldn’t call it surprising. Relationships are complicated, and anything that has more moving parts is going to be more complicated. I’m not trying to suggest here that monogamy is the way to go by any means–different people have different wants and needs, and some people are just good for polyamory. I just think that a working arrangement like this is tough to pull off

Besides, this gets asked a lot about polyamorous relationships, but there are so many fucked heteronormative relationships, and you never see the argument that monogamy is wrong, so yeah. Just whatever makes you happy

BananaTrifleViolin,

True although I think most relationships are unstable and have drama particularly when young, which is why people can move through so many. Most people have multiple relationships in their lives until they find someone that works (or keep going). That's seen as normal.

I think there is a bias when people look at poly relationships as they seem novel and if they fail it's easy to say it was because it was poly. But if a 2 partner relationship fails it's "normal" and we accept all the reasons like "I didntnlove them anymore" or "we grew apart" etc.

captainlezbian,

There’s also the fact that in polyamory ending is not necessarily a failure for a relationship. Monogamy has an expectation of forever or certain circumstances. But in polyamory it’s sometimes acknowledged that a casual relationship can end in everyone having gotten everything they wanted out of it and deciding to move on.

LadyLikesSpiders,

Yeah, I just think the poly relationship has more places where things can go wrong. In a monogamous one, you need to two people who like each other and are compatible. In a poly, even with only 3 people, you need A and B to be compatible, A and C, and C and B. Adding one extra person into the mix complicates the relationship 3-fold depending on the nature of those relationships. They don’t all have to be in a relationship with one another, but you’re still adding more avenues for drama and collapse in one relationship, not to mention how one relationship could impact the other. If A is having drama with C, the frustration of that failing connection could also impact their relationship with B. I think it’s easier to fail not by any sort of moral failing of polyamorous people, only that the nature of those relationships is inherently less stable through its myriad of moving parts

But there is for sure an element of bias, where heteronormativity gets a pass for being the standard

captainlezbian,

Yeah you can hold a bad traditional relationship together with duct tape and societal expectations indefinitely. You shouldn’t but there’s no kaboom or juicy details. Polyamory has more room for the failure to be catastrophic instead of a slow long decay to a couple snidely commenting on each other in a retirement home.

TheDoozer,

Most of the heteronormative relationships I’ve known of or experienced were rife with drama and problems, so I would assume poly relationships would be, too. Even if the rate is the same, you’ll be at least twice as likely to end up with a shitty relationship in a poly relationship (with at least one partner), right?

Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with poly relationships, only that there’s plenty wrong with people.

controlshiftn,

Yep, same boat. We’ve been married for 20+ years, she’s had a boyfriend for 5 years or so and occasionally plays with other people, BF’s wife’s as cool with it as I am, everything’s chill.

She left her earrings on the dresser at her boyfriend’s place a while back, he sent his wife to drop them back to her and it was just an omg hiiiiii moment for both of them.

I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal for most people, I really don’t. It’s so utterly low-stress and completely… ordinary, to my way of thinking.

frogfruit,

I have a family member in a throuple. They dated their partner for a few years before dating someone together, who later attended their wedding. They’ve been a throuple for about 8 years now and all seem pretty happy.

southsamurai,
@southsamurai@sh.itjust.works avatar

No real first hand experience. I kinda interacted with people that were /are poly, but wasn’t part of their group.

But the thing I noticed about poly groups regarding the kind of stability that would be a success in any objective view, is that there’s usually a core few that comprise the true group, with anyone else being kinda replaceable. It’s usually either a “throuple”, or two pairs, and those core relationships are what really matters when there’s any trouble.

Imo, that makes sense. In a real world sense, nobody loves everyone equally. It might get close, but we as a species just aren’t that controlled in our emotions. They’re shifting and tied to so many different memories that it’s barley possible to have comparable levels of love, much less exactly the same.

And, there’s the issue of numbers and work. If a couple has X amount of work to maintain, a third person doesn’t turn that into X+1, it turns it into X^3, because you have A×B, the first two, then you have A×C, B×C, and, A×B×C. The dynamics of each pair of individuals is the same, but you add the dynamics of the group to that. Add a 4th person, and you get X^4, and so on. So, the larger the group gets, the harder it is to actually maintain every relationship at all, much less equally.

But! I know two poly groups that have been stable for a long time. One since the mid nineties, the other since 2003 (officially, but they got together informally a few years before that). The older group stabilized out at five people back around 98, when a couple that had joined in decided it wasn’t working for them.

The other group is essentially a foursome, though they tend to rotate through twosomes over time. Like, one couple spends a few months more focused on each other, then the other two people either do the same or float a little as individuals without as much group interaction. But they’re all bisexual as well as poly, so there’s that helping out a little; everyone is into everyone romantically and sexually, so there’s less chance of someone feeling left out.

Both groups have kids, btw. Which can get a little tough on the kids in school, but damned if it isn’t a plus at home. Like, those kids never lack for someone to help them, give them affection or discipline, or anything. The oldest boy from the longer lasting group is out on his own now, and doing well for himself.

The only other poly group I know well enough to have picked up details about their arrangements went back a lot further, back into the sixties when they met. Which is a success, if you ask me, but there’s only the one lady left now, and that’s fucking brutal to lose three partners that you love like that. I don’t know if it’s any worse than losing a monogamous partner or not, but holy hell has she been through some pain over the last two decades.

I call them a success though. They went through fourty-plus years together, raised kids, lived life, and stuck together. I didn’t meet any of them until one of the guys had a stroke, back before I got hit with the disability stick and had to quit working. I was a CNA, and when he had the next stroke, they asked if I could come back, so I got to know them a good bit. But they’d lost one of their group between times to cancer.

For myself, I don’t think I could handle that part. I know that if my wife dies before me, it’s going to break me. I can’t imagine going through that two or three (or more) times.

Which is probably not the most pleasant way to end this comment, being a bit less happy than maybe you were wanting. But I figure if one group of people can live poly together long enough for that, then polyamory is nothing to dismiss, and it’s certainly proof that it can be satisfying and good.

Rakqoi,

I’m polyamorous myself, with a girlfriend of about 18 months and another of nearly a year. Both my relationships are stable and very fulfilling, and also relaxed and laid-back. It takes more communication to have it work but for me I can’t even imagine living any other way, polyamory feels right for me and me and my partners are happier than we’ve ever been.

Granted, my relationships aren’t a case of opening an existing partnership, but rather I talked about the fact that I’m polyamorous to each partner very early on before we even considered a relationship. Most drama I’ve seen in polyamory comes from one partner in a monogamous pair wanting “more” and so the decision is pretty one sided, and neither is willing to really put in the work and communication that healthy polyamory requires. Every polyamorous person I know that started their relationships as polyamorous is healthy and happy in their partnerships.

LegionEris,

We opened up an existing relationship, but it was more my idea for her to have a boyfriend. I knew she romanticized affairs and infidelity. I knew that her experience of being with a man romantically and physically is meaningfully different from how we are together. And I’ve just never been that sort of possessive, so I encouraged her to seek out something I couldn’t give her

Rakqoi,

I’m really happy it’s working out for you! I’m not saying that all existing partnerships opening to polyamory are doomed to fail or are inferior in any way, just that from what I’ve seen they’re much harder to pull off, possibly because people tend to open relationships for the wrong reasons. But when it does work out and everyone involved is entirely on board and is willing to put in the work, they can absolutely be beautiful and healthy relationships.

Son_of_dad, (edited )

Wife and I have always been open to the idea, tried it a few times, all positive experiences, even the challenging ones. We dated this single female friend together for a while, we’ve gone to sex clubs (there’s a great, super positive one in my city). I feel like it’s made us more honest and open with each other.

If I could recommend a book, “The ethical slut” There’s good tips and info in there, I liked it, though it’s a bit old. “More than two” is newer and great as well

snownyte,
@snownyte@kbin.social avatar

I've been in like, 3 or 4 of them so far. I can really see the value in a poly relationship but I find it, that it's incredibly challenging to maintain much less establish one. All of the ones I've been in, was where the individual wanting or orchestrating the poly relationship, was just a flat out cheater who wanted more than they can handle. My limit is no more than 2 other partners. The people I kept finding myself with, practically wanted like several partners too many and it just complicated things.

I'm open to being in a good one but I really don't know nor would I know anything or anyone that'd want a good stable poly relationship.

BananaTrifleViolin,

It sounds like the person you were with would have been better off in an open relationship with someone.rather than labelling it as polyamory or want to pursue polyamory?

I've not been in a ployamerous relationship myself but I'd imagine the hardest part is the time and effort needed to maintain your relationship with each partner?

I could see 2 partners being doable but hard work, but once you go beyond that, then it must get very difficult? Especially if you don't all live together as juggling full time work around making the time and space to maintain very close personal relationships must be very hard.

And my mind boggles when you get to pplyamorpus "networks" where 2 partners may have relationships with other people rather than a shared 3rd partner. I think it would take a lot of honesty and maturity to make that work long term. I don't think I'd be capable of that.

fubo, (edited )

My housemates are poly and pretty happy about it.

It’s a bit of a logic puzzle:

  • I live in a house with A, B, and C.
  • A and B are married.
  • B is also dating J, who lives in a big complicated house with lots of people, including their partner K.
  • Separately, C is dating X.
  • X is married to Y; X is also dating Z.
  • I don’t know Y or K well enough to know if they have other partners, but I suspect so.
  • No, I am not dating anyone on this list.

As far as I’m aware, there’s no current polycule link between AB and C; nor between any of them and me.

Everyone in this list is in their 30s or 40s, and almost all are some flavor of queer; at least two are also trans. There are no kids in the picture, although we know other poly people in the neighborhood who do have kids.

It’s all quite cheerful and civilized. Compersion is totally a thing. Also, fortunately people’s food preferences aren’t complicated when everyone’s over for dinner. If anybody starts dating someone who doesn’t like mushrooms, that’s gonna be a problem.

controlshiftn,

Dammit I don’t care what you get up to with who, I just want to know how many people I’m cooking for.

0x4E4F,

Please keep it civil, no under the table touching.

AlolanYoda, (edited )

How is your own dating life affected by this? Are you mono? Are the people you date weirded out or put off by this arrangement at all?

Also, I need this turned into a diagram!

fubo,

I’m not at the moment, but if I were dating, it would be within a poly-friendly social context. I’m not in this space by accident; it’s actually what makes sense to me.

LegionEris,

I should really think more about compersion. It’s an idea that I think and talk about frequently, but it’s a term my brain hasn’t yet held for the long term. But I have huge amounts of compersion. I get so excited when good things happen to the people I care about. Our polyamory thrives on how happy it makes me to see my wife in that happy, lovey way with someone. I am just as delighted that my best friend was recently promoted to AM as I am that I was promoted to key lead with her. Compersion is a big part of my life that I should give more space and respect to express itself.

redbr64,
@redbr64@lemmy.world avatar

It took me until this deep in the thread to realize compersion wasn’t a typo lol. Thanks for introducing me to a new term

LegionEris,

Ngl I had to look it up to be sure. I was correct, but I wasn’t confident.

TheDoozer,

I’ll tell you what. When I was young, the idea of (ethically) dating more than one person seemed interesting and exciting.

I’m 40, and just reading about X’s part in this had me recoiling in horror at the amount of work it would be to be married and dating two other people. I hope they’re unemployed or part time, because those relationships sound like a full-time job.

bandario,
@bandario@lemmy.dbzer0.com avatar

My thoughts exactly. It just seems like SO MUCH WORK. It’s difficult enough balancing a career, children and keeping one relationship healthy.

SkyeStarfall, (edited )

It sounds like it. But in practice? Not really?

As that’s assuming every partner gets the same amount of attention as in a mono relationship, but your partner(s) has other partners, they can hang out with someone else when you are busy or need some time for yourself. How much time you spend with your partner(s) is very flexible.

In fact, in my polycule, people tend to actually get more alone time, because you are not the sole person fulfilling your partner’s romantic needs. It’s remarkably flexible, and, while it may need some planning and/or making sure you tend to your relationships, in my case it feels remarkably straightforward and freeing.

It’s a thing I like a lot, actually. Not feeling like I am the sole person responsible for someone’s romantic needs. It lifts a fair amount of stress off of me.

This flexibility means you can tune a lot of things, into what works for everyone.

SoleInvictus,
@SoleInvictus@lemmy.world avatar

I’m poly and am now in a monogamous marriage but was in a few poly relationships prior. I’m 99.5% okay with this.

Poly was fun but had high overhead - there’s a certain amount of work required for any relationship and it seems to increase to some extent as you get closer with someone. Two partners was literally double the work, sometimes more. A lot of people thought I was a swinger which always pissed me off. A couple of non-poly girlfriends thought it gave them carte blanche to fuck around on the side while I was staying monogamous for them. Classy.

My very last poly partner was simply horrid and ultimately turned me off to poly. Successful polyamory requires trust and communication. We had been unintentionally monogamous for awhile and it turned out she was not communicating some unfulfilled needs. To be fair, they were valid needs, but I couldn’t have known to fulfill them without being told first.

When she and I started dating, we were only seeing each other and had agreed that we’d only consider bringing new people to the relationship if our “core” relationship was solid. That was always my condition in every poly relationship. Years later, without any prior warning, she told me about the issues she had with us and mandated that the only way she’d be willing for us to stay together was if I were to support her starting a relationship with an absolute trainwreck of a human being. He was a socially awkward, late twenties, literally virginal fellow that had never been in a relationship of any kind before and he nailed the cocky, oblivious, “kind of an asshole but projects the blame on you” engineer stereotype on the head so hard you could feel it across county lines. I noped the fuck out so hard. Looking back, my ex had glaring warning signs you could see from space, but I was pretty young and nieve, plus I was madly in love with her even before we started dating. This and an earlier relationship with a narcissistic abuser are the only relationships I regret.

I met my now wife a few months after my ex and I split. She didn’t want to do poly and I was pretty burned out on it, so I had no complaints. I do miss it sometimes. I’m a bit of a flirt and I really miss that, the excitement of hitting it off with a new person and all the chemistry and interesting things to learn about them. Still, I wouldn’t trade what I have with my wife for all the dates in the world.

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