For the past year ive been struggling with my body image because of a small amount of weight gain even though im fully aware im not fat. I love my husband to death, but i wish he had done the below when i expressed disliking my physical appearance.
Stop and hug them. Give them reassurance through physical contact. Tell them you love them. Hearing it, even when you know you are loved, is reassuring. Tell them they’re beautiful and compliment something specific about them, like the color of their eyes or a cute mole. Then, treat them to a date somewhere they can dress up “fancy”, spend the night complimenting their appearance, and “show them off” as if you cant help but brag to the world that a beautiful woman like her chose to be with you that night.
Other than saying things like, you dont look fat to me, i would love you even if you were the size of a whale, etc.
One thing that i find is pretty useful for all people to remember:
When you see other people who are overweight or a but chunky, etc. Do you judge them for it? Do you focus on it and think “whoah look at fatty over there!”?
I don’t. Sure, i notice when someone is fat, but only as much asbi notice someone whonis really thin or just a normal weight. It doesn’t change how i interact with them or if i would be their friend, etc.
Other people aren’t judging you if you are fat. (Im sure there are some, but they are terrible people, and their opinions dont matter)
Most people are too concerned with how they look to notice/care about how you look. So dont worry about it. Just aim to be healthy. Dont stress over weight for looks.
I was being a little silly with that, i was just trying to brush the obvious out of the way to focus on the main point. Although when she asks you would you still love her if she was a worm, the correct answer is yes. So if she said would you still love me if i was the size of a whale, the correct answer would also be yes.
Nah, you’ve fallen in to a classic trap for men. Even though the answer could be correct under different framing, it’s not always okay. The framing matters.
So if she said would you still love me if i was the size of a whale
In this example, the underlying insecurity is about you. She’s worried you’ll leave her if she’s not always at her best. Thus just saying yes provides helps solve the core issue. To be honest it’s not a perfect answer, but it’s fine.
gf saying “I’m fat”
In this one, the insecurity is not (just) about you. Most likely she’s worried about how other people perceive her, or how she perceives herself. Men often assume any concern someone puts into their appearance is for their partner or for finding one, but it’s not. Saying you’ll love her even if she is fat does not address the underlying insecurity. In fact, it implies she is fat and heightens what she is worried about.
I would advise a hug or something for immediate reassurance and then asking her some gentle questions to gauge what she’s really worried about if you’re not sure. Literally, “hey what brought this on?”. Maybe with a “you look great” leading into it first.
Although when she asks you would you still love her if she was a worm, the correct answer is yes.
Better to put it back reframed in more direct terms, showing you understand the underlying insecurity, but dodging having to be dishonest about the fact her being a worm obviously would change things. Then lighten the mood with a joke.
You are forgetting one key fact. She doesn’t want help or a solution. She just wants you to acknowledge and agree with her.
When my wife comes to me with something thats bothering her i always fall into the trap of trying to fix it. But all she wants is for me to say that sucks and agree with her that the subject/object of the issue is shit and maybe give her a hug. Or simply to just listen.
The truth of it is that theres no manual or one size fits all solution to being in a relationship. Men and women can be just as complex as each other and everyone is different.
As someone’s girlfriend myself, I’d say acknowledge both her weight gain and the fact that she’s not technically overweight (I’m assuming this based on you saying she is “not fat at all”, but you can look up some local statistics in your country to see for sure). To me, it would completely mess up my ability to gauge my own size if I were lied to about having gained weight. (This has happened to me and it makes it confusing to buy clothes because I have absolutely no idea what size to try on. Pants look like they’ll fit fine and then they’re completely wrong in the fitting room.) So tell her that yes, she has gained weight (and that’s okay).
One approach to weight gain, if she really has gotten significantly bigger, is that people can be simultaneously fat and beautiful. I won’t go into detail, but you can look things up. There’s a world of beautiful fat ladies out there.
Another approach is to recognize that society often tells women they have to be beautiful — but that’s not true! Your girlfriend isn’t here to look pretty; she’s here, like everyone else on this planet, to have some fun in life. So my perspective on it is that I’m not beautiful, and that’s fine because I’m not here to be easy on the eyes, I’m here to play video games and go swing dancing and learn new recipes. Similarly, my body’s purpose is not to appear beautiful; my body’s purpose is to carry me through day-to-day things, like dancing and eating good food and moving into a new apartment. To that end, I go to the gym just to be strong enough to do what I want to do (like lift boxes into my new apartment), not so I can look good for some other person’s opinion.
It might not go over well if you were to tell her this right now when she’s sensitive to it (“Hey babe, yeah, you’re fat and ugly, but hey, you’re ugly despite being fat, not because of it! They’re two separate things! And also, it’s okay you’re ugly! You’re clearly not here to be pretty!”). But this is a mindset that has very much helped me personally over many years, and maybe you can introduce it slowly to her and explain it in a way she will understand. You know her better than any internet stranger.
Here in the US there is always going to be messaging telling women they need to be underweight. Having had a friend who died while anoexic and underweight (I can’t be sure of the causal relationship but I’m sure malnutrition was a factor) the danger of body dysmorphia is, to me, very real.
I’d say someone’s negotiation with their own body is up to themselves and their doctor, but even primary care providers in the US are freaky about weight. Are you a fat lycanthrope with cancer? Statistically your doctor is most likely to fixate on your extra girth.
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