My friend group fractured and faded because of the divorce, and I was in no shape to function beyond keeping my job. I got the kids back full time after 2 years of absolutely bleak desolation. I focused on the kids and job for the next 10 years. Right now I'm crawling out my isolation a bit, but only a bit. My kids are now grumpy teenagers who can mostly take care of themselves, and I'm left wondering "what now?".
I dunno. Some of the kids activities allowed a bit of socialization around the fringe, but I'm gun shy to the point of not being very willing to engage. Dating probably isn't an option, I've seen things that can't be unseen. I like my work friends a lot, but work friends aren't the same as personal friends. I'm not sure what happens from this point, but I've got options if I have the effort and willingness to pursue them. If.
Take your kid out to see things. You dont mention the age of the kid…
If its a baby just go where ever you wanna go… maybe with the exception of nascar and concerts or other loud places.
If its a larger kid. Like 5 years old, go to the zoo, playgrounds, the amusement park… hell even the mall, and through a toy store.
Or just bring your kid over to your friends. Tell them you miss hanging out. And you can easily bring a baby to a friends house. So long as you can provide the things you need, and expect to handle it all yourself.
Or the library. Read some kids books and such.
Find playdates on FB or similar. Theres always other lonely parents around
My best friends don’t have kids so they usually come to me, but they also have their own lives so I don’t want to bother them
Did your best friends indicate you’re bothering them? If not, where did this narrative come from, that you’re bothering them? I’d wonder if this is just in your head and if it’s preventing you from reaching out more often.
Yea, I work into the night. This allows me to take care of the mornings, and the evenings are my spouse. I take care of the kids mostly on the weekends to give her some time off. I think we may have to bite the bullet and find room in our budget for a cleaner and a babysitter
I’ve felt like this before for sure. Best advice I can offer is to try your best to include your kids in your hobbies. Sure if your hobbies were doing drugs or getting blackout drunk at the clubs, then you’ll probably not be able to bring your kids. Though if you like golf/woodworking/video games… something like that, pack up the diapers and bottles or snacks or whatever and bring them with you. Babies sleep proportionately to how much formula they drink and older kids will eat up any menial task you give them to “help”.
Give it a try. It might not be the exact experience you had before, but you may be pleasantly surprised.
I definitely fully intend to do this (I like washing the cars, which I’m sure they’ll love) but right now they’re 1 and 2, so it’s hard. I’ll have to look into hobbies that babies can do too
Great advice! And sure, if OP’s hobbies are base jumping or something else not exactly kid friendly, there’s always the opportunity to explore some new interests that the can include the kids in.
Most importantly, including your kids in your hobbies, or finding new ones together is a really rewarding way to strengthen bonds and create long lasting, positive memories for them.
I won’t say I have a solution for you, but I can at least offer solidarity. It’s been lonely for me too and it’s a good year if I see friends more than a few times… I will say, try to stay healthy for yourself. You may hit some low times, plan ahead, and make decisions you won’t regret. And remember that you are in a marathon, this is going to take a while, pace yourself.
Thank you. I’m already a pretty big introvert and I don’t mind the physical exhaustion, but damn, I didn’t realize that even I would become starved for conversation at some point. It’s good to know that I’m not alone
You’re totally right on!! I’ve been having to listen to it a lot over the last few months and the vocals get me every time. I find myself randomly humming the songs and the kids think it’s hilarious when I sing the “Cat Burgler! 🎶 ” intro. Yes it slaps… and it slaps hard!
Mines the same age, doing the same thing xD. She's looking for some control. I usually give her the illusion of control by giving her two options, don't want to get dressed? "Would you like to wear your yellow dress or your red dress today?" Same with food, works for me.
I’m gonna try that tomorrow. Especially with food. She has been a mess trying to get her to eat lately. She was a late walker, didn’t start walking till 19 months and almost like a light switch once she started walking. Eating wasn’t in the priority anymore. It’s going wherever and doing whatever!
Yes, 100% its like “I have freedom now” I can walk! I can sorta express myself!
Same. My daughter is a week shy of 18 months, and has fully progressed past the stage of saying YES! to everything excitedly. Now it’s noooo for everything. Makes putting her in the car seat in the crowded grocery store parking lot a nice treat.
Mine is 21 months. She is almost all day just going going going! She grabs my shirt to get me to stand up and go wherever she wants to go. Her new thing is she likes hanging out in her room but only if mom or dad also are in there with her. It’s a lot of fun right now but a lot.
The Ikea high chair is like $30 and it’s the best high chair there is. Toddler just had spaghetti? You’ll be out on the deck in your undershirt like cousin Eddie, with the powerwasher just going to town on that thing, drinking a beer, and not a care in the world. Love to see you do that with one of those fancy $800 high chairs. For real, it’s the best advice I can give you. Smartest buy there is. We’ve been really happy with the Ikea crib too, while I’m at it. And I otherwise hate Ikea btw.
Some things my wife and I didn’t consider that we may need were disposable nappy bags and washable change mats, we also had nowhere near enough disposable nappies for the first few weeks. Although they’re not the most romantic or exciting baby shower gifts they’re life savers.
The other thing we really appreciated was onesies with zips that go from the top and bottom.
Black out shades for the nursery if you don’t have them… We live at a pretty northern latitude and in the summer the kid would never sleep! There are some cheap ones that suction cup to the windows, which are great for travel too and won’t break the bank.
We bought one color changing smart lightbulb for the nursery lamp and it was a great idea. You can turn it red and still be able to see when you come in at night, like a darkroom, while still being able to navigate the room and not trip over stuff.
Echoing the white noise machine. A cheap smart speaker (Google mini) can also be useful - you can adjust the volume from outside the room; there are ton of white noise podcasts, and if your kid likes music instead, you can start with that and switch to white noise.
You’ll need more diapers than you think. Newborns can take up to a week to start pooping consistently but when they do they’ll go through like 8-10 diapers a day.
Invest in a good sound machine. The background noise will help soothe the baby and keep other noises from waking him/her.
As far as tips go, if you find yourself two months in wondering if you’ve made a huge mistake, you’re not alone and that’s pretty normal. Newborns are basically an extremely high maintenance potato and they’re totally dependent on their parents. All they do is eat, poop, and cry. It’s a stressful time and can be hard on mom and dad. But, eventually that little baby is going to look at you with a smile and say “dada” and it will make your heart melt.
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