She was underweight before because she hardly ate anything. She’s way better now. But some people comment on her change of weight because they compare it to how she was before.
It´s a trap. She seems to suffer from an eating disorder, so if you directly respond to the statement, you can only lose. No matter what you say she will find a way to turn it around. Instead ignore the “I am fat” part and immediately steer away from the topic. Try something like:
I’m sorry, it looks like this is freaking you out. You know it’s not useful to talk about it, right? So, let’s do something to change the mood. Shall we (insert activity you both enjoy) instead?
‘Tell your gf to just ignore it and not talk about being upset to you’ is a great way to ruin a relationship. A woman being upset is not a trap, and viewing relationships as adversarial is setting yourself up for failure.
ETA: This guy can’t stop editing comments to try to make it look like he had less of a meltdown than he did.
You (and the others who downvoted my comment) are completely missing the main point here, which is that the gf is obviously showing behavioural patterns connected to a form of eating disorder, like Anorexia and/or Bulimia.
A woman being upset is not a trap
Of course not. However, a conversation about “being fat”, with a person who suffers from an eating disorder is definitely a trap, as long as you are not a specialized therapist.
viewing relationships as adversarial is setting yourself up for failure
I view eating disorders as adversarial, not relationships. Please stop projecting your incorrect assumptions on me.
‘Just don’t think about it’ is a pretty terrible way to deal with eating disorders as well. Which this might not even be the case, as there are plenty of other things that manifest in a lack of appetite, not all of which are even mental illnesses.
Why are you ignoring the fact that OP said “She was underweight before because she hardly ate anything”? Seems like you are not arguing in good faith. I am done talking to you because you seem either naive, or even worse, pro-Anorexia/Bulimia.
You are inventing a reason for not eating anything when OP said nothing about that, and ignored me pointing out multiple things can cause people to lose appetite. Thanks for not subjecting me to any more of the same, at least!
By the way, people can tell you edited your comment to try to sneakily call me pro-anorexia after I made my comment.
I made up nothing. I simply quoted OP and everyone can see that. You on the other hand are clearly not arguing in good faith and I don´t have time for that. Blocked to prevent further animosities.
I don’t think you have any experience with eating disorders or women in general. Someone who used to be skinny gaining a bit of weight and feeling fat is not “behavioral patterns connected to anorexia/ bulimia”. And even if it was, how does “this is clearly freaking you out, let’s ignore it and do this instead” supposed to help?
I’ll assume you have the best of intentions in mind, if that’s the case you really shouldn’t be giving advice here because everything you’ve said so far is harmful.
I don’t think you have any experience with eating disorders or women in general.
That is nothing more than your assumption and you assume wrong. I will not tell you details about my private life, because it´s not your concern, just this much. I have several years of painful first hand experience of living with a women who suffers from severe eating disorders, so I intuitively recognize certain patters the moment I see them.
Someone who used to be skinny gaining a bit of weight and feeling fat is not “behavioural patterns connected to anorexia/ bulimia”.
That is not what OP described though. You are diminishing the facts. OP wrote:
She was underweight before because she hardly ate anything. She’s way better now.
So let´s believe OP and consider that she was not just skinny but in fact underweight, which is a very important and significant difference when talking about eating disorders. Furthermore, consider that the reason OP states for her being underweight before is that she used to “hardly eat anything” which clearly points to anorexia. Now combine being underweight and hardly eating anything earlier, with the fact that not being underweight anymore makes her feel “fat”, which points to distorted self perception and misguided body awareness.
And even if it was, how does “this is clearly freaking you out, let’s ignore it and do this instead” supposed to help?
By avoiding a discussion that will only do harm to someone with an eating disorder, independently of what you say to her. Did you ever have a discussion like that with someone who suffers from an eating disorder? I had them hundreds of times. There where in fact phases when I had such discussions on a daily basis and trust me, you can only loose there. Btw, I did not come up with that sentence myself. It´s from a website that gives professional tips about how to deal with people who suffer from eating disorders. I wish I would have known about it back then, when I would have needed it. Instead I fell into the trap over and over again and I wanted to help OP to not make that mistake.
I’ll assume you have the best of intentions in mind
You assume correctly.
if that’s the case you really shouldn’t be giving advice here because everything you’ve said so far is harmful.
I honestly do not understand how, because my intention was the exact opposite of doing harm. Please elaborate.
It doesn’t matter if your intention was the opposite of doing harm. Your advice was not good advice. Your experience with someone who had an eating disorder doesn’t give you the ability to intuitively diagnose everyone that reminds you of their situation as having the same disorder.
You’re making huge assumptions based on little information. Saying people are underweight or hardly eat anything doesn’t even come close to automatically meaning “eating disorder”. I’m underweight myself and eat very little, I’m not anorexic. If I feel chubby after a few days of binge eating, someone trying to make me stop thinking about it by distracting me like a dog isn’t going to help.
Again, I’m assuming your goal is to help so I’m not trying to be rude, but your advice is both making the issue out to be much larger than it probably is (saying she is anorexic/ bulimic while OP never used these words) while simultaneously suggesting he ignore the problem by distracting her. Even if she does have an eating disorder, as others have pointed out, saying things are “a trap” is not a healthy way to look at it, as someone reaching out for help is not doing so to put you in a bad position.
I’m underweight myself and eat very little (…) I feel chubby after a few days of binge eating
I see, so you are probably affected by an eating disorder yourself and therefore biased. That explains your stance on the topic.
your advice is (…) making the issue out to be much larger than it probably is. (…) OP never used these words
OP sounds inexperienced and probably is confronted with this kind of disorder for the first time. So naturally OP describes it without using certain vocabulary and therefore wrote: “She gained some weight but she is not fat at all!” and “She was underweight before, because she hardly ate anything”.
simultaneously suggesting he ignore the problem
So you agree there is a problem? I never suggested to ignore the problem. I only suggested to not join in on the topic of “I am fat”, brought up by someone with a possible eating disorder. See next point for reason.
as someone reaching out for help is not doing so to put you in a bad position
Saying “I am fat” when being just above underweight, does not equal asking for help. It equals asking for confirmation of a distorted body awareness and self image.
I see, so you are probably affected by an eating disorder yourself and therefore biased. That explains your stance on the topic.
You either have no idea what you’re talking about, or you’re a troll. Most people stop diagnosing strangers over the Internet when they leave high school. I really hope nobody follows your bad, harmful advice.
Do you find it strange that your professional, sound advice is getting down voted em masse? You really think you’ve got the right take?
When she was under weight, just tell her she looks a lot healtier then she did and most importantly that you like her no matter what.
With humans it’s just like with other animals, you shouldn’t be able to see the ribs, you need to be able to feel them, just. (You can go hunt for them and tickle her to prove it ;) )
It’s not lying. Fat and overweight mean different things in this context. Fat is a pejorative word, carrying a negative connotation. Overweight is a statement of fact
The gf isn’t saying, “I’m fat,” as an acknowledgement of her weight being over the recommended bmi, she’s actually saying, “I’ve gained weight, and I feel ugly and I’m concerned you won’t be attracted to me anymore.”
Sometimes people will say something negative about themselves because they’re hoping you will say something positive, instead. I used to do the same thing. Whenever I was feeling insecure about my looks or weight, I would say something negative about myself, because my husband would tell me it wasn’t true and would give me compliments that would boost my self-confidence. I don’t do that anymore, because it’s not a very healthy way to be confident in yourself, but it certainly was effective. Do you think maybe your girlfriend is just feeling insecure about herself? I would talk to her about that to see if maybe it’s something she’d like to work on in herself. You can also try to give her honest compliments on a regular basis. It’s hard for a girl (or guy!) to feel unattractive if her loved one is telling her twice a day that her shirt looks good on her, or he loves her laugh, or he thinks she’s pretty.
I think it’s because if dumb people commenting about every little change of appearance. Sadly we live in one of those places where people comment on these things all the time. They told her she is to thin before now they tell her she gained weight. There’s no way to win with them, and sadly usually they are close family members that you can’t just avoid.
“I want you to be happy with your body, if you need me to reassure you about how attractive you are I can, or if you want me to support you with changing your weight I can. I love you and your body”
At least that’s basically where I go as a woman with a healthy weight but body image issues for not being underweight and a wife who gained a lot of weight over the pandemic and a girlfriend who is in the “needs to lose weight for her health” range.
“no, you’re thicc”… then explain to her it’s the most popular body type by today’s beauty standards… which fluctuates and health and happiness are all that matters… and youd love her if she was a brain in a jar, but she happens to be really hot… something like that
also, get an Australian Cattle Dog… that’ll force ya’ll to be more active…
Nah, this is sleezy. She will catch on and it will only amplify her fears that she has to be thin to be attractive. Ask of tho so what she wants to do first?
Add comment