On one hand, it kinda is. On the other hand, ppl tend to turn out to be complete jerks, and marriage somewhat protects from the consequences of such a revelation. On the third hand, what Bolex said
I married my first wife when she was 18 and I was 20. We went through a lot of hardship. It should not have worked out: we were both poor, from broken homes, in an LDR from different worlds. She was the popular girl, I was a shy and awkward nerd. When we got married, we had only been in one another’s presence for a few weeks total. I went into the marriage not expecting a path or plan, as my parents were toxic which ended with my mother’s suicide, and my mother in law had been married 4 times before she became single for the last time. None of us had healthy marriages to draw from. At our wedding, her relatives even said, “I give it two years, tops.” We were desperately poor, and struggled most of our marriage with health and money issues.
But we made it work for 25 years. We’d still be married, but she passed away ten years ago. We became “foxhole buddies,” us against the world.
I have neither insight nor retorts to offer, I just wanted to congratulate you on 25 years. Hell, even 5 years with someone who’d dig in with you is worthy of praise in this world. I’m glad you found your foxhole buddy, and I wish you all the best.
This, all marriages are supposed to be this, us vs the world, while I get the argument you don’t know who you really want when you are 20, I’ve also seen cases like yours, as long as both people figure out us vs the world, I think the marriage will last. So when people say 25 and after it makes sense, I’ve also seen cases where people never understand in their life this us vs them mentality, and are never happy and I always wonder the question how much age plays a role in people understand what marriage is supposed to be?
Anyway thanks for your take my man, my condolences, I wish you all the best.
I’m sorry you have to deal with that. I have lived with a persistent background anxiety for my whole life, and only in the last year have I started treating it (in my 40’s). It hasn’t solved all my problems, but it does mean I’m not constantly jittery. If you’re already treating your anxiety, then I can only wish you luck and success.
Imagine the following scenario: you meet someone in college, and when you graduate at 22 you don’t want to split up. They say sure, let’s live together, but we need to get engaged; if it doesn’t work out we can just break it off. After a year you realize your lives are much better together. You decide to get married but not to have kids until you’re 30. If it doesn’t work out you can divorce, but you sign a prenup and at least no kids would be involved.
If you both have clear and compatible career goals, that scenario saves you a lot of dating drama and gives you valuable support. I wouldn’t call someone in that scenario “weird.”
I think the main point here is people around those ages aren’t fully capable of making those kinds of decisions in the first place.
There’s a reason why most marriages end in divorce after all.
Get married before you have a clue. Get a clue after being married a couple years. Get a divorce because you realize you had no idea what you were doing.
Yeah I’ve noticed at least a lot from my high-school group that dating for about 4 years is a good amount of time, me personally and a lot of close friends seemed to have hit their hardships in a relationship around that 4 year mark. Also moving is a good test about how you do in stress haha
I just don’t get this. I’ve never had any issues putting together furniture or dated anyone who had trouble with it. I can’t think of a single ex where furniture assembly was an issue.
I think furniture assembly is more about being able to work together for a common goal and communicate what you need the other person to do and listen to what they need you to do.
For some reason a lot of people struggle to assemble ikea stuff (I honestly don’t know why, I’ve assembled dozens of items and it’s not rocket science). But there’s definitely been moments when I’ve been assembling some shelf and need my wife to assist with a two person step. If the assembly has been frustrating you have a really good test of how well can the two of you communicate through frustration and work together.
So maybe you are great at ikea assembly and don’t have the frustration factor, or you are a wonderful communicator and listener. For a lot of people though it’s that “this is the 12th step, I’m annoyed because I did the 9th step backwards and had to undo some shit, I’ve stripped this fucking screw… I’m gonna slide this piece and you need to guide it past the shelves, past them, you see how it’s hitting the fucking piece of wood, I need it not to do that!!!”
You probably shouldn’t marry everyone you can build a shelf with, but if you can’t effectively communicate when frustrated doing something trivial like building a shelf with someone you should work on that before tying the knot.
Our way of surviving furniture assembly is for him to Go Away And Let Me Do It, because I can follow directions and he just tries to slap things together without looking xD
I love my husband! Knowing when to just let the other person get on with shit is a pretty good litmus test, I agree, lol.
Your town likely doesn’t need a tank, but the major metro area within range of that tank is gonna need to call upon it next time the cops decide to kneel on someone’s neck.
My local force recently bought a used armoured personnel carrier (APC) for $100,000 which didn’t go over well with the community. They posted a message explaining they were coming up on fiscal year end and had excess budget they wanted to use up so their budget wouldn’t be reduced next year. That didn’t really help.
It’s mostly used to park next to public events. Arts in the Park? Don’t worry! We got an APC here to protect you! Weekly farmers market? Don’t worry! The APC is here! Sometimes the emergency response team (our version of swat) will also put out a table with all their rifles and gear so they can look cool in front of any teenagers in attendance. It’s weird.
There are way better things to spend your money on so that your budget doesn’t shrink next year. Arguments of whether they need they money or not aside, that’s a real problem for them. Ideas off the top of my head that probably wouldn’t signal to the town that they’re under occupation:
• Ammo and range time • Conflict management training • Public relations block party • Solar panels on the roof • Diet, exercise, and lifestyle training • Law review classes
“we have to irresponsibly spend the remainder of our budget so it doesn’t get reduced next year” followed one month later by “we need more money because we maxed out the budget last year”
Fuck this atrocious cycle. It’s everywhere. Military, police, any other government branch, corporate politics, 501c orgs pretending to be charities… The greatest crime is stockpiling unsent capital, apparently.
At a certain point, a useful idiot still becomes an enemy combatant.
Perhaps, but since this is a war of manipulation, you always have to consider: are you fighting those responsible for turning us against each other, or are you fighting who they want you to fight?
I’m not saying to let the cops off the hook. That depends on the answer to the question. I’m speaking more generally here.
there’s a point where who’s responsible and who’s a victim doesn’t really matter to most people and survival against aggressors becomes more important than considering the philosophical/psychological implications
navigating through the complexity of the mind to determine who really “deserves” it is mostly just a lost cause, you get wacky results like concluding that the people in power are actually just victims of their own greed and human psychology, that the universe and therefore life is deterministic and no one is truly at fault for their actions, etc. etc. which could all be easily justified standpoints but are mostly irrelevant to our actual situations
Yeah, you’re right. We are all victims, the people in power too. And most of us involved in politics are aggressors, and are to blame for it. I try my best not to be, because I’m a disciple of love, and my real enemy is hatred, of which political hatred seems to be the most prevalent these days. I still push back against other forms of hatred when I run into them, to be clear.
It’s not a game of survival against aggressors, or at least not nearly as much as it seems to be. The propaganda tells you conservatives want to kill minorities, but most of them (discounting the leaders and the crazies) wouldn’t dream of it. A lot of them are conservatives mostly because the propaganda tells them that liberals want to kill babies.
The actual minority-haters do fall into the conservative bucket, yes, but that’s because it’s the closest bucket to their position. The leaders take advantage of it to boost their numbers, but I don’t think it’s exactly fair to blame the rest of them for it when there are only two buckets.
Most conservatives are people with souls and morals if you’ll get to know them. You don’t have to cave to their position, I’m just asking you to put aside your differences and try to understand them. If you try to understand one and learn that they’re a disciple of hatred trying to slowly drag the world back to the 1700s so they can own slaves, that’s a yike, but don’t paint the rest of them with that same brush until you’ve taken a fair sampling.
I swear some people go out of their way to judge others for the most ridiculous things. Maybe try asking yourself why you are not happy about people finding love without going through half a dozen shitty relationships.
Wow, really? Sure is an expensive and necessarily painful thing to opt into or to normalize. I’d rather it be normalized to not get married in the first place.
It’s not that expensive, I did it for $400 amicably. We had a fun time while married and I don’t regret it. Why not just make it easier for people to do what they want and not punish young people for making decisions.
I think a divorce is like $80 where I am, but if you have to go to court obvs it’s a lot more. I spent almost nothing on my wedding, granted it was just friends and was an elopement. Marriage has big tax advantages for some, and it’s the only way my spouse was getting health insurance to survive this godforsaken wasteland. It also guarantees that they get a slice of my income if the unforeseeable happens and we split so they can survive.
I think people should not see marriage as the end goal, but be pragmatic about its costs and benefits, which I think you are getting at too
For real. This post has big “I have regrets and/or fears that I missed out on my younger life, and the only way to not be afraid is to invalidate other people’s choices” energy. Every life and every combination of experiences produces a unique piece of art. OP, your life is valid and worthwhile - you don’t have to tear other people down for that to be the case.
Oh I have issues with commitment and a constant feeling of ‘Is this the best I can expect?’ but I don’t regret my younger life.
My ‘weird’ sentiment stems more from me looking in from the outside at relationships where 20 year olds decide they want to spend the rest of their lives with each other. I can’t imagine missing out on potentially meeting someone more compatible. Can you really meet the most compatible person for you when you’re 20?
When I was 20 I was a very different person, I’m assuming that’s similar for others.
Other commenters have talked about how they grow with partners but I wonder if it’s truly possible to do that while being so ‘together’ with another person. Some things you have to learn on your own.
Depends/sometimes… If it’s like you said then 25% of that 60% and you get 60-15=45. If it’s some rando looking at 60% total and 35% total and they go “oh neat one of these numbers is 25 bigger/smaller!” Then maybe not?
You can be happy and find love without marrying someone.
Like i think most people would say its weird to marry someone the day after you meet them for the first time, right? Is that you hating peoples happiness and love? or is that you being a realest that that marriage probably wont last and will just be messy for both people?
I see a pretty stark difference between people who married young and had kids right away, vs people who married young and enjoyed their time for a while before having kids. The ones who had kids seem weird to me, never got a chance to goof off in their 20s and figure out who they are. The ones who waited feel more normal. But that’s just my experience.
This is the main point here, IMO. A child is a huge responsibility and the early 20s is a period of life you’re still figuring things out. Culture also plays a role here; where I’m from, people are deciding to live together (without having kids) for a couple of years before formally marrying.
The ones who had kids seem weird to me, never got a chance to goof off in their 20s and figure out who they are.
I definitely needed to goof off in my 20s and figure out who I was. But not everybody is like that, and the meme in question suggests it’s “weird” to know who you are and not need to goof off.
While I also feel it is weird, I strongly believe marrying kids (<18) should be illegally nationally with no exceptions. I have personally witnessed lives destroyed.
Nah, my understanding is that many people don’t even want to be police anymore. Many retired and their hire rates are low considering the easy and decent pay.
True. The things they say about the ATF and FBI would make you think they’re extremely anti-police, but then you notice they never badmouth the DEA or ICE even though they inflict the exact same kind of brutality on the civilian population.
But because the FBI arrests white supremacists and the ATF sends you a fine for engraving a punisher logo over your AR15’s serial number, they’re the worst.
I also think that when I see people of that age married or with kids. But I think it’s just because of our different life experiences.
I opted to enroll in a PhD right after graduating and so, at 30, I still feel like my life isn’t at a point when I can start thinking about kids or marriage. But I know a lot of people enter relatively stable jobs as soon as they graduate university (or high school, although in my circles everyone went to university - it’s not as expensive as in the US here). I can understand people in that position starting to think about family earlier than me.
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