Same here. I actually just decided last night that I hate who I am so much that I’m going to “kill myself” in that I’m going to try to completely kill off the person that I “was.”
I have a lot of respect for transgender people who sort of go through a similar thing so I’m taking inspiration from them and saying old asafum is dead, I killed him, and in his place I’ll be a new asafum.
I’ve had much more success with just embracing who I am, flaws included, than with trying to change my nature. I was able to achieve much more by stopping to try to be someone I’m not.
That’s the route I went initially. I thought I was being delusional by thinking I could be different, the thought of denying my initial feelings/reactions felt like I was being “fake” or denying who I am, but then I just remain as the person I hate most in the entire world.
I can’t live life being an angry bitter miserable asshat who never misses a chance to beat himself up because I think I deserve it. If I hate that person so much then I should just leave them in the past and be better. It’s so strange that it’s actually physically painful to go through. Like I get headaches fighting off my initial reaction and forcing myself to think differently/positively.
Remember to forgive yourself and let go of that hate, whatever you do. Self forgiveness is important for moving forward and you deserve to give yourself that.
If you can’t get a big tiddy goth gf, then become the big tiddy goth gf.
Fill your house with arcane and esoteric items of dubious origin simply because they make you happy (bootleg pokemon figurines). Join a coven (D&D group or whatever other hobby) and join together for rituals that reignite the connection with nature that exists in all of us (hang out and touch some grass; pet a dog/cat, it’ll literally reduce your risk of heart disease). Become the witch who lives at the end of the street, creating strange brews that heal the sick (start a garden and cook homemade soup for your friends). Create a new family bound not by blood, but by bonds forged through hardship and triumph both. Move in with a girl that historians will refer to as your “good friend” and roommate.
Realize that it’s all you, and it always has been. That the person you were was simply the shell you created to protect yourself from the world. You are the big tiddy goth gf of your dreams and you can be the big tiddy goth gf that other people dream of, and all you have to do is let go of your shackles (and your facial hair).
Except for the Yes -> Then Don’t Worry part. If there is something that can be done then it should probably be done. Which will take time/effort/expense/cooperation.
Exactly, I’ve worked so hard and come so far to reach peace. It feels impossible to retrace all those steps with someone who’s barely willing. But at least I can be her stability.
Yup, we’re the same way. My SO keeps worrying, “what if X happens? What if Y happens?” and they don’t seem to like my answer of, “we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.” We’re quite stable financially, so we’re prepared to handle pretty much any surprise, yet she still worries about random things.
I think some people are just predisposed to anxiety. I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that.
I’ve found, “I don’t know, let’s look into it” to be pretty effective at switching from worrying to problem solving, and as we go, my SO will usually get over the worrying and apologize for being dramatic. It doesn’t always work, but maybe it’s worth a shot.
Yeah you are right, that works for me too. I guess what she really wants is someone to just listen, and not necessarily solve the problem (since it can’t be solved also).
It’s actually a conscious decision to worry or not. For many people this thought concept is calming: it was so unlikely, that this little ape we all descend from, even survived in that unyielding nature. But the ape even prospered. If the ape survived for hundreds of thousands of years, you will too. You can make money again. You will find a roof over your head every time. Fear feeds fear, just put it on a diet. It’s not that you have to do something, you just have to do nothing. Do you breathe? There. You believe in yourself, otherwise you wouldn’t.
Well, going back and forth is another problem. You should come up with one next step to get closer to solving the problem.
For example, I’m living paycheck to paycheck and don’t have enough to save for “big expense.” The next step is to cut something or find a side job to break the paycheck to paycheck cycle. Once you have a small savings, you can take more risks, like look for a better job, buy stuff in bulk to save money longer term, etc.
You don’t need to solve the entire problem, just figure out what the next baby step toward a solution is.
It’s ultimately easy to tell apart because the things in our control have vastly different qualities from those which are not. Quoth Epictetus:
Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions.
The things in our control are by nature free, unrestrained, unhindered; but those not in our control are weak, slavish, restrained, belonging to others. Remember, then, that if you suppose that things which are slavish by nature are also free, and that what belongs to others is your own, then you will be hindered. You will lament, you will be disturbed, and you will find fault both with gods and men. But if you suppose that only to be your own which is your own, and what belongs to others such as it really is, then no one will ever compel you or restrain you. Further, you will find fault with no one or accuse no one. You will do nothing against your will. No one will hurt you, you will have no enemies, and you not be harmed.
Aiming therefore at such great things, remember that you must not allow yourself to be carried, even with a slight tendency, towards the attainment of lesser things. Instead, you must entirely quit some things and for the present postpone the rest. But if you would both have these great things, along with power and riches, then you will not gain even the latter, because you aim at the former too: but you will absolutely fail of the former, by which alone happiness and freedom are achieved.
Work, therefore to be able to say to every harsh appearance, “You are but an appearance, and not absolutely the thing you appear to be.” And then examine it by those rules which you have, and first, and chiefly, by this: whether it concerns the things which are in our own control, or those which are not; and, if it concerns anything not in our control, be prepared to say that it is nothing to you.
Now the list of things under our control might seem small – but it’s actually real control. You can’t control that an arrow you shoot will hit the target, a gust of wind may take it away and you’re not controlling the wind. Have the opinion (under your control) that you shall hit, and that gust of wind comes, and when you miss you’ll be wretched, so don’t have that opinion. But still do take that shot unless it’s impossible, in which case find a possible one.
This cannot reasonably be how mentally healthy people react though, because this would seem to suggest that the healthy thing to do is to never worry about anything at all, in which case, what utility would have led to that emotion evolving in the first place?
You worry about uncertainty. There is no uncertainty in this flow chart. Worrying about things that are defined and known is not healthy, but that’s not to say that stable people never worry about things they know the solution to or never worry even though there aren’t any real problems. The distinction really is if you’re able to make yourself stop worry or not, in a healthy way, or if worry consumes you to the point of anxiety.
Yup, I rarely worry because I’m prepared for a lot of the most likely issues that could come up. We have:
a healthy emergency fund, so we can weather unemployment
food in storage, so we can handle a natural disaster for a least a couple weeks
two cars and flexible work, so we can handle a car going kaput
space heaters, so we can handle the furnace going out in the winter
And so on. The more prepared I am, the less I worry. However, it’s impossible to prepare for everything, so I do worry, but I’m able to make that very infrequent with planning.
I mean, that’s how my ADHD and anxiety combo works: every waking moment is either
A: really thinking about everything, including completely inconsequential stuff, my brain making me super worried about most of it
Or
B: trying with various degrees of success to distract myself away from doing A. This in turn often tends to make me forget things that I DO need to be aware of, such as appointments etc, worsening A.
Also, deliberately ignoring things you’re worrying about backfires when they do come to pass, because then you feel guilty for ignoring them and like you’re losing control.
At least it’s like that for me. Perhaps not for you, I hope so!
I guess the thing missing from the chart is “can you do something about it?” -> “do something” -> “don’t worry.” Worry is only useful in that it prompts us to go “this thing could be a problem” and take action to address it. If we can’t do anything about it (or aren’t deciding to do something) then devoting energy and thought cycles to worrying doesn’t benefit us.
Also, just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Maybe it’s a small problem, so you decide to ignore it, and you choose to focus on other, more important things.
Do you have a problem? If yes, then it should consume your thoughts so you don’t have any ability to think of a solution… If no, then you must’ve forgotten something…
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